We don't think we've ever been so scared in all our lives. 24 – the world's favourite super right-wing thriller where nothing exists that can't be solved by a bullet to the kneecap and some high-voltage water torture – might be going liberal.
What makes us think that 24 is going liberal? Is it the female president that'll rule over the next series of 24? The strange environmental messages that 24 has pledged to thump out during the show? Nope – it's the announcement that super left-wing actress and comedienne Janeane Garofalo has been signed up to play a government agent in season seven of 24. This odd mix of directly-opposing political views is bound to revitalise 24 with the kind of tangible tension that was missing from season six, and we're excited about it – even if it's taking all our energy not to assume that Janeane Garofalo will be horrifically tortured and killed within seconds of making her 24 debut because she's a dastardly pinko traitor.
Season seven of 24 is just around the corner, marking a full week of really shitty, sleepless days for Jack Bauer. And so far he's manfully dealt with whatever's been thrown at him. He's saved the world several times over, foiled a crooked president, chopped his own partner's hand off, grown a funny beard while under Chinese capture, managed to not shoot his daughter in the head even though she's the most annoying woman on TV and, perhaps most impressively of all, come out of the godawful, patience-thinning sixth season of 24 without the show being cancelled.
But now Jack Bauer has to face his most devious enemy yet – the liberals. 24 has slowly been creeping into more liberal territory of late – not only will the season seven 24 president be a woman but Kiefer Sutherland wants environmental storylines incorporated into the show, too. Plus we swear we saw one episode of 24 recently where Jack Bauer had the opportunity to shoot someone in the stomach, jab his heel into the wound and then show them a video of their entire family burning to death in a house fire, but didn't. That kind of nancy-pantsed liberal communism makes us sick to our goddamned balls.
And if those weren't signs that 24 is going soft, then the news that Janeane Garofalo – who you may know from Dogma, Mystery Men and one particularly amusing episode of Home Improvement – has been signed up to spout her useless outspoken liberal 'save the world and don't shoot people in the fact the instant you see them' baloney across the entire next season of 24. E! Online reports:
Attention, clockwatchers: Janeane Garofalo will now be punching a 24 timecard. The über-liberal actress has signed on for the seventh season of Fox's conservative-leaning, clock-ticking drama, according to published reports. Per the Hollywood Reporter, Garofalo will play a government agent investigating the latest crisis befalling Jack Bauer & Co. Her presence on the set could make for an interesting back and forth with series cocreator and executive producer Joel Surnow, who has jokingly described himself as a "right-wing nut job."
This is all wrong. 24 is a show that teaches us that nothing is worth saving from evil if we aren't prepared to electrocute it with some household electrical equipment first, and the signing of Janeane Garofalo is just going to ruin it all. Let's hope Janeane Garofalo's character gets killed off pretty quickly because, once her influence spreads, who knows where 24 will end up. Maybe Jack Bauer will be too busy knitting his niece a lovely cardigan to stop terrorists blowing up a nuclear power station. Or maybe he'll travel from scene to scene on the back of a pretty white pony. Or maybe – yeuch – he'll actually start reasoning with suspects instead of just instantly torturing them without mercy. We feel sick.