When Jamie Foxx said that he wanted Miley Cyrus to catch Chlamydia from a bike, he messed with the wrong dude.
Or the right dude. He messed with Billy Ray Cyrus. And now Billy Ray Cyrus wants blood. “It was hurtful,” he said, before adding “If anyone is going to turn Miley Cyrus into a disease-ridden drug addict it’ll be me and my relentless desire to piggyback vicariously on her wealth and fame regardless of the cost. Not Jamie Foxx. ME!”
Just to clear that up, Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t actually say that last bit. He probably thought it, though.
In many ways, Billy Ray Cyrus is just a normal dad who wants the best for his kids. True, when we say ‘normal’ we mean ‘in the clutches of such a startling mid-life crisis that he appears to have strapped a vagina onto his chin’ and when we say ‘wants the best for his kids’ we mean ‘wants to push his kids into the brutal world of showbusiness so that he can live in a quite big house’, but you get the jist.
So when a man – no, worse than a man, an actor from the movie Stealth – uses his radio show to spew out a torrent of inappropriate hatred about his teenage daughter, then Billy Ray Cyrus has no choice but to stop thinking rationally.
And that’s what happened after Jamie Foxx started to rant about Miley Cyrus on his radio show this weekend, suggesting that Miley Cyrus should take heroin and crack and become a lesbian and make a sex tape. Although Jamie Foxx made a grovelling apology to Miley Cyrus on TV a few days ago, it was too late. Billy Ray Cyrus’ blood surged. He saw nothing but red. Generations of boiling testosterone welled up inside him until he was forced to take the most furious course of action available to him.
That’s right – Billy Ray Cyrus went on a daytime television programme to describe how badly Jamie Foxx had hurt his feelings. Yesterday Billy Ray Cyrus told Bonnie Hunt:
“It was hurtful. There wasn’t nothing funny about it. And, quite frankly, I think if I said those things about his daughter, he might not find it so comedic.”
Oh Billy Ray Cyrus, don’t stop there. We know you’re dying to do it – say something about Jamie Foxx’s daughter. And remember, it has to be worse than wishing she’d become a lesbian heroin addict, or it doesn’t count. Go on, include a couple of sailors and a horny monkey into the insult. Give her a beak. Set it in space. You can do it, Billy Ray Cyrus! We believe in you!
Actually, we’re being highly inconsiderate here. What father wouldn’t fight back against a slur about his daughter? Also, remember that he’s essentially doing us all a favour – the more Billy Ray Cyrus speaks out about Jamie Foxx, the less Miley Cyrus has to. And, quite frankly, every second that we don’t have to look at Miley Cyrus’ face or hear her stupid voice is a second that we don’t want to hurl ourselves off the nearest bridge.