"God is great!" yells James Hetfield's beard as it rams a truckload of explosives through a Sunni orphanage wall. "And Mohammad is his prophet!" screams James Hetfield's beard as it publicly decapitates puppies, kittens and girls with visible faces.
The message here is that James Hetfield, lead singer of the age-old rock band Metallica, has no terroristic tendencies whatsoever, but his beard is a baby-killing son-of-a douche. With that in mind, we plea to you John Walsh, to help bring that specific piece of facial hair to justice with a specially dedicated episode of America's Most Wanted, and make an example of it so moustaches, goatees and sideburns across the land will know not to side-up with that kind of evil.
Does that sound strange to anyone? Well it shouldn't. Suicide-bombing, jihad-waging facial hair is a very real concern – just ask the personnel at Luton airport – where they recently interrogated Hetfield for his "Taliban-like beard."
We totally believe it too as we've been watching that beard for months. And just between us, we think his eyebrows might be card-carrying members of NAMBLA.
So there Metallica was, all set to make the world's Goths & Emos join hands to rage against the sun at Live Earth London – when their lead singer got totally jacked by UK Customs for having facial hair akin to that Whitney Houston lusting Osama Bin Laden. Or something.
Hetfield's beard was questioned at length, but refused to divulge any information it had regarding the London subway bombings, 9/11, or the horrific attack on the USS Cole back in October 2000. Conspiracy theorists agree the chin-hair has probably been regularly groomed by the government, and may or may not be a second level Freemason.
FemaleFirst explains the madness like this:
"Metallica frontman James Hetfield was temporarily detained by security officials at a British airport, according to U.K. reports. The rocker jetted into Luton airport ahead of Saturday's (07Jul07) Live Earth London gig – where his band is performing – but was stopped by officials before he could leave the terminal. British newspaper The Times claims Hetfield's friends blame his "Taliban-like beard" for the interrogation."
So does the frontman's beard have terrorist ties? Probably not, but his armpit fuzz was once caught googling Ruby Ridge a dozen different ways*.
We're just saying…
Read More:
Metallica: Terrorist threat? – Yahoo UK
*Hetfield's armpit never googled Ruby Ridge, & is a just & good citizen
Indian Stallion says
Apparently that incident never happened:
http://www.usmagazine.com/james_hetfield
Arab Pride says
Look dont you fuckin’ dare to say jihad and islam is a threat or concern to you , and just for having a long beard it doesnt mean hes a terrorist, OK answer this: Dont Bikers have a long berad too? Go fuck yourself you racist bitch !
Ben Twigger says
That is the most stupid article i have ever read. He wouldn’t get stopped coz of a fucking beard. Also, he is James Hetfield, half of the world know who he is, he probably got stoppped coz they wanted an autograph or a photo or something, if this incodent really happened.
G says
Dear James, carry on Brother! I like the prison pussy! If these douche bags can’t tell a F’n white world famous rock star from a Taliban what’s a white boy to do? ? Shit, you should see the three liqour..? lick ‘er.. ummm l i q o u r, whatever, stores I shop at in my neighbourhood. Their the F’n terrorist. $7.50 a twelve pack! Oh yeah, white boys have been wearing that beard since I could grow one. That’s “Hillbilly” not Taliban! Shit they claim all our stuff. That was the chanell 2 news “special report” tonight? *&^%%$# Signed James G., S.J.
PaYaM says
Hi DeaR James. I’m From IRan;)- I have A Question From You : Are You In FreeMason’s clan ??? WE LovE Youuu MasTeR \m/ .. I NeeD YouR AnsWer PlZz . TNQ