Now, we know you only get your news from hecklerspray, so as far as you're aware nothing at all happened between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day, but we've got some potentially shocking news for you; you'd better sit down – James Brown is dead.
Yeah yeah, so you saw the images from New York over Christmas – either James Brown had died or he was staging the shittest concert the Apollo had ever seen – so you already knew that James Brown died of heart failure on Christmas Day. But, almost three weeks later, James Brown's body is still just laying around in his house thanks to the traditional post-death practise of his family and lawyers squabbling about his estate and where he should be buried. Let's just hope that James Brown's body doesn't get up and stay on the scene like a sex machine.
Yes, that was a joke about being raped by the reanimated corpse of James Brown. And, yes, we are fully aware of how tasteless that was. You don't have to tell us.
For someone who lived a life as full and eventful as James Brown – raised in a cathouse, he was a boxer, an armed robber, a man with tattooed eyebrows, an alleged wife-beater, a man arrested for more drug offences than you can shake a stick at and the most influential musician of the last 100 years – you'd expect that he'd want a rest after he died, but that's not the case.
As soon James Brown died, his body was shipped off to the Apollo theatre in Harlem so that Michael Jackson could be filmed kissing him on the lips, but following that things get really interesting – James Brown still hasn't been buried because his squabbling family can't decide on anything at all, let alone file his will. And, until they do, James Brown will still be kept in his sealed casket in a secure, temperature-controlled room. Don't expect to be any time soon, though, as there seems to be some disagreement between James Brown's children and the woman he lived with when he died, as ABC News reports:
Tomi Rae Hynie, Brown's partner, said shortly after his death that she encountered locked gates as she tried to get into the home she says she shared with the singer and their 5-year-old son. She wouldn't discuss the incident Tuesday, but her lawyer said Hynie should be granted access to the home, although he would not talk about whether Hynie might take legal action. "The hope is that all parties can sit down and figure out what the problem is and what the challenges are," attorney Thornton Morris said. "And once we figure out what the challenges are we'll see if we can't resolve something that's a win for everybody."
It's always sad when a legend like James Brown's memory is tarnished by a family that can't decide on how to divvy up his belongings. But it's been close to three weeks now, and if a solution isn't figured out soon, we're going to break into Jame Brown's house and, using a hacksaw, chop his body into equally-sized portions and drop them on the doorsteps of each of his eight children, eight grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. We will not see James Brown desecrated like this!