Jamelia to Become a Car Saleswoman

If there ever was a luxury car company in need of a serious image overhaul it’s got to be Jaguar (Books).

After introducing an estate model of their furiously popular with the nouveau riche X-Type, the ailing big cats only need to bring out a new over-sixties mobility range and they’ll be less cool than buying a box of Frosties just so you can get the little lightsaber.

During the 60s and 70s Jaguar were a car company synonymous with everything that was fly about polluting the atmosphere. Their cars were big, edgy, looked bloody cool being shot at in gangster films, and most importantly parents hated them. They had the youth factor. You wanted to own an E-Type because it was baddass.

Nowadays Jaguar’s tragic line up is typical of a company that has less of a clue where it’s going than Rover did. Some of their cars are even starting to look a touch similar too.

Confused management have desperately tried to recapture the retro Jaguar spirit (the bizarre S Type being a case in point), while at the same time keeping mums and dads happy with somewhere to put the B&Q picnic table. But what sane person under thirty would want a car stitched together to look like an executive Ford Mondeo?

Jaguar’s marketing and funk department must have dropped their iPods at managing to get Jamelia (CDs) on board. She’s not Paris Hilton (Books) promoting mukluks, but it’s better than Terrance Stamp (DVDs) selling organic chocolate. We can at least see where Jaguar is going.

"The deal has been negotiated and she will sign up shortly." a company source revealed last week.

Jamelia is what the papers might refer to as a ‘yummy mummy’. She’s a good looking mum definitely, though that’s still not particularly bling, and we can’t help but feel that’s what Jaguar think they’re getting here, bling.

Nevertheless, if they’re trying to pull a Mercedes and get themselves mentioned in urbanite culture they’ve probably got the right idea. Crafting a stretched XJ with giant rims and an on-board drinks decanter was also a shrewd move. Now if they can just get the new XK replacement to come out like the baby Aston they’re promising things might actually be looking up for Jaguar at last.

New driver Jamelia may yet give them the kudos needed to take on the street. Guys like her because she rarely wears more than a flannel, while girls apparently think she’s a great role model. What with her being a mum, all that tough relationship baggage and rarely wearing more than a flannel.

Will she look great draped across the bonnet of an XKR? Probably. Will she get her pick of Jaguar cars to drive? Definitely. Will she be able to park any of the buggers? Not a chance.

Kelkoo.co.uk have a selection of mind-bogglingly cheap used Jaguars

[story by Chris Laverty]