Jade Goody: The Horrifying Comeback

Jade Goody is rapidly turning into a reality television phoenix, albeit a shrieking pikey phoenix with a slightly suspicious moral centre who - instead of being reborn from the ashes - is just going to make another dreadful fat-mouthed TV show.

Although we thought we'd seen the last of Jade Goody after her Celebrity Big Brother appearance this year ended up with an entire subcontinent making little straw Jade Goodys just so they could burn them and dance around a bit, it seems that Jade has been offered a brand new reality TV show. Thank goodness for that - if there's one thing we're dying to see more of it's 30 solid minutes of a fat girl who can't pronounce words properly shrieking dubious epithets about brown people at her silent boyfriend.

Quite honestly, we thought that Celebrity Big Brother had finished Jade Goody off. The public had taken a lot from Jade Goody - it had watched her strip naked and perform drunken oral sex on a Brummie slaphead, it had watched her fuck up the London marathon and the stupidest percentile of the population even bought her perfume. But that all changed after Celebrity Big Brother.

During Celebrity Big Brother this year, Jade Goody - along with Jo O'Meara and Dannielle Lloyd - all acted like terrible racist bullies to Shilpa Shetty, the show's eventual winner. And while Celebrity Big Brother gave Shilpa the opportunity to look at some politicians, think about getting a boyfriend and speak to the Queen at very minor functions, it properly arsed up the lives of the bullies.

Although Jo O'Meara had a terrifying suicidal breakdown, hardest hit was Jade Goody. Shops stopped selling Jade Goody's perfume, she was temporarily banned from India and not even Comic Relief wanted anything to do with her. Worst of all, Jade Goody got her own Celebrity Haiku Competition - a sad indictment if ever there was one.

But now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, a light at the end of the tunnel for Jade Goody anyway - a terrible terrible piece of awful news for the rest of us: Jade Goody and silent boyfriend Jack Tweed have been offered a new reality TV show. A source told Digital Spy:

"Producers are falling over themselves to sign her up. They believe that Jade and Jack will make unmissable TV. One minute they are all over each other talking about kids, weddings and plans for the future - and the next they are at each other's throats. Whether or not it is car crash TV is besides the point - it is a guaranteed ratings winner. Jade is flattered by the offer. She thinks viewers might see a different side of her if her relationship with Jack was the subject of a TV show."

Wonderful - this means we'll get a fly-on-the-wall view of what Jade Goody and Jack Tweed are really like. Hopefully we'll get a terrifying close-up view of Jack masturbating up the side of Jade's leg again, or perhaps we'll see Jade Goody call brown people 'Fuckawallah' some more times. We literally can't wait.

The only sad point about all of this is that we just have Freeview, meaning that we probably won't have access to the piss-poor, ultra-minority digital channel that thinks that throwing pennies at Jade Goody so it can film her being a racist wanker is anywhere close to being a good idea.

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Jade Goody To Star In New Reality Show? - Digital Spy