Obnoxious diet-dodger Jack Osbourne has announced that he is "in talks" with NASA to hop on board their next moon-bound mission in 2018.

Don’t be surprised of any sudden eclipses that may be taking place, then.

Although for a good cause – promoting Macmillan Cancer Relief – hecklerspray does wonder if Captain Calories realises what he’s letting himself in for. "Going to the moon would be amazing," Osbourne waffled. "The training’s hardcore, but I could handle it."

We’d actually rather see his slab-faced gremlin of a mother jumping on board an interstellar vessel, to be honest. One aimed squarely at the sun.

Fantasy aside, though, this whole scheme does raise one interesting question – has our culture really shrivelled in on itself so much that not even a moon landing can command attention without some sort of celebrity endorsement?

Do you think Neil Armstrong had to put up with this – "yeah, you know, all this bold boundary-exploring is all well and good, but what would really give it that edge is the inclusion of a couple of Hollyoaks cast members"’?

Christ – they keep this up, and the first manned mission to Mars could well consist of Paris Hilton, Callum Best, Richard Blackwood’s second cousin and the magic dancing car-robot from off of those telly adverts.

Although – come to think of it – that’d be a hell of lot more entertaining than the last series of Big Brother. Latest rumours are that even Anthony has forgotten the name of the winner by now.

Oh – and on a tenuous moon-based link? Check out Bret Easton Ellis’s new novel Lunar Park (Books). A dark box of clever delight, we tell ye…

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Jack Osbourne To Fly The Moon – Female First

[story by C J Davies]