The most hotly anticipated literary release this side of Harry Potter: How It All Ends has been put on hold indefinitely. That’s right people, Jack Osbourne might not be writing his autobiography after all. Jesus, get us a drink someone, please!

The slightly-slimmer-now-but-still-fatter-enough-to-bully Jack Osbourne can’t write his book because he’s afraid there just won’t be enough of his life to fill the pages anymore.

"Honestly, I have this problem, which makes me wonder what I can write about." Oz Junior (DVDs) complained.

It’s all down to those pesky drugs. Can’t seem to mention any of those media-friendly Osbourne lot without those little devils cropping up somewhere.

Jack’s main concern is that he can’t actually remember anything before he took drugs, and he’s not allowed to get in contact with anybody from his past because they were also on drugs. Or at least selling them to him.

“I want to make the book as real as possible, but I can’t remember a thing."

Sounds to us like a book was always going to be an ambitious prospect for the man who would be untalented. A pamphlet might be a better idea. They could give it out at doctors surgeries.

Jack Osbourne has apparently been clean of booze and drugs for over a year now. Great for mind and body, not so good for getting the final payment on that publishing deal.

Buy a Jack Osbourne doll on eBay. You’ll love his soft face.

[story by Chris Laverty]