J-Lo Wants to be a Sophisticated Saxophone Woman

The queen of class herself - one time half-decent actress, now two time marriage failure - and agonisingly bland pop star, Jennifer Lopez, wants to have a different name.

No, she doesn’t want to be called ‘J-Stick’, ‘Jentib’ or even ‘Lady Lopez’. She just wants to be referred to as plain old Jennifer Anthony.

Hardly very bling, is it?

Her current husband Marc Anthony is a man who likes tradition. He wants Jenny from Van Cleef and Arpels to adopt his surname because he “never liked the whole J-Lo thing. He thought it wasn’t very classy.”

This unnamed source didn’t elaborate as to quite how he considers cut-off fur collared jackets and mukluks to be classy, but there you go.

That J-Lo (you ain’t made it official yet, darlin’) wants to be known as Jennifer Anthony ‘professionally’ is surely a contradiction in terms. What with her overpriced perfumes (like Tweed, only worse) universally hated clothing range (she’s no favourite of animal rights protesters) and insistence on making terrible movies, Lo is one mixed up lady. She has so many talents (balancing drinks on her arse, shouting) and yet so few skills.

It’s almost impossible now to remember why we all found her so attractive in the first place. She topped FHM’s lesbian poll of the 50 Sexiest Woman in the World one year. We should have all sensed trouble was around the corner when Sigourney Weaver also made the top five.

Check out J-Lo’s new film at imdb. It’s a musical swing drama set in World War 2. There’s just not a sigh in the world big enough.

[story by Chris Laverty]