ITV’s Celebrity Love Island – Watch Famous People Have Sex


A good way to waste time on the internet is to play about with random name generators. You can find your Wu-Tang name (this writer becomes Fiendish Observational Comedian), your pimp name (Professor Truth Heritage Flex) and your prison bitch name (Famous Anus) to name but three.

Recently, some MIT students randomly generated a computer science paper called ‘Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy’. It was full of nonsense, but still got accepted for presentation at a world conference.

So, it’s fair to say the world is slowly filling up with randomly-created crap. We’re just keen to know – after reading about the latest ITV reality show, we’re convinced it was randomly generated.

The new show is called Celebrity Love Island. It’s a simple formula: take a bunch of famous people, put them on a beautiful island, and watch them rut like crazed lab rats.

Yellbik_1 Surely nobody’s so desperate for fame that they’d volunteer themselves for what really amounts to a pornographic game show. Are they?

Well, in a world where minor celebrities are willing to put their face in a tank of deranged eels, or beat each other up for recognition, the chance to lay around in the sun and have sex with people off the telly must come as some kind of relief.

ITV are putting the show in direct competition with Channel Four‘s Big Brother. "Viewers will have the choice of watching ten nobodies sitting around in a house in north London or ten celebrities getting it on in the sunshine", according to the producer.

Lined up to star in the show so far are Ben ‘who?’ Freeman, Lee ‘million years-old’ Sharpe and Fran ‘not really a celebrity’ Cosgrove. All men, you’ll notice. And all boring.

ITV know this, too. That’s why they’re desperately chasing Abi Titmuss to be a contestant. "We want Abi by hook or by crook", the producer said. This roughly translates as "She’s a bloody slag, she is".

Former nurse Abi, who has forever ruined hecklerspray‘s appreiciation of Stevie Wonder‘s My Cherie Amour by playing it in the background of her ‘prostitute’s thumb up her bottom’ porn film, has yet to respond to the invitation.

Just how sordid will Celebrity Love Island be? And how will Big Brother retaliate? Both shows air in the summer.

Claw Stevie Wonder back from Abi and her ‘whore’s thumbs’ video by browsing his back-catalogue here

[story by Stuart Heritage]


  1. paul says

    Well, I thought the thumb up the bum was hot 😛 Anyway, the show is sure to be pathetic as you say :-/