ITV ARE ON STRIKE; Switch on and see

Soon, and perhaps even by the time you read this, ITV1 will be on strike. Unfortunately this will not affect their programming output in any way whatsoever.

Surely somebody must have raised their hand at the union meeting? Somebody must have stopped whining for just one second and said, “Please, sir. What’s the point?”

Strikes are God’s way of telling us we’re being paid too much money.

If employees have got time to plan a company’s downfall because there’s not enough onion rings in the canteen or whatever, then they’re obviously far too content. Whatever happened to moonlighting and stealing the office stationary? Too much free time on their hands obviously.

But what’s good enough for French dockers, right?

ITV has currently got all the big guns blazing at them. And ironically it’s not because they produce excrement flavoured television programmes. Amicus, Theatre Union (Bectu) and the Broadcasting Entertainment Cinematograph have all agreed to down tools in favour of their members getting fatter paycheque’s every month.

Perhaps even more ironic is their reasoning, “strong financial performance and generous managerial bonuses”. Seems as though zipping yourself into finest off the peg Armani and inventing TV’s Naughtiest Blunders 26 actually is a job after all. And it pays better than holding a boom mic by all accounts.

What’s the real kicker here, apart from when ITV realise they don’t broadcast any live theatre so they don’t need to pay the Bectu guys anyway, is that this strike will not cause a black out at all. ITV will not be affected in the slightest by the strike.

So, we’re back to the trade unions all gathered round a large table smoking cigars and watching F.I.S.T. Nobody thought to mention that maybe their actions would be a complete waste of time. A trifle odd that one, being as they are.

"Our entertainment shows will go out as planned on Saturday and we do not foresee a delay in delivering drama serial programming on schedule to ITV." said an ITV spokesman, probably in-between laughing themselves stupid.

Even Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Abortion, sorry Takeaway, is getting out unscathed. They just decided to pre-record it instead. What, it was actually live in the first place?! Blimey, we’d all have tuned in a heck of a lot more if we’d known. hecklerspray is first in line if there’s the chance of watching something go really, really wrong.

Striking for an expected 36 hours, ITV employees will return to work on Sunday 10th April. Probably moaned at by their wives, husbands, girlfriends and the like for ‘not finishing the decorating’, racked with guilt over someone potentially missing eight seconds of Coronation Street, and hopefully just a bit wiser too.

Doctors and nurses going on strike? That’s a problem because we might all get dead. Those people who fix traffic lights? Potential catastrophe. The fella who flicks a switch to bring Emmerdale to life every sodding day of the week? Not gonna bring the world to a standstill.

Before all this pointlessness envelopes itself we should perhaps examine one final sardonic twist.

As ITV can’t film this week’s Hit Me Baby One More Time from their own studios, they’re going to use the BBC’s instead. That’s right, studios you’ve paid for are about to re-launch the career of rust haired Carol Decker (“We just make damn good songs.” she said of T’pau before she had to run away because everyone was pointing and laughing so much).

Now we’re really upset.

Maybe every single licence payer in the UK should strike? There’s still time, people! Rally yourselves! Take to the streets! Refuse to pay- oh, hang on a minute, a Trisha repeat’s coming on. Christ, to think we almost missed it. Phew.

Damn socialism. It brings nothing but pain.

Don’t risk missing Ant and Dec on Saturday (what if the BBC strike too?!), get yourself to Amazon.co.uk and buy a copy on dvd.