Here we go again – it's time for the now-traditional hecklerspray Eurovision liveblog, where weeks of writing endlessly about a stupid pan-continental singing competition culminates with, um, more writing about a stupid pan-continental singing competition.
As soon as Eurovision kicks off we're going to dive right into it, giving you a blow-by-blow commentary on all the bad songs, bad dresses, bad voting policies and bad songs by British groups named Scooch as it happens. But first – bad news. The Swiss entry, Vampires Are Alive by DJ BoBo, got knocked out of Eurovision in the semi-final stage. And so did the pro-nuclear Israeli song. And so did the Polish song about being crazy like a baby. This is going to be the worst Eurovision ever!
Don't forget – you still have time to place a well-timed Eurovision bet because, let's face it, you may as well try to make some money out of this godforsaken car-crash. Also, if you're reading this during Eurovision, leave plenty of comments below. It makes us feel less alone. Unless you're Bulgarian, because frankly you people scare us.
OK – normal liveblog rules apply; the new stuff will appear at the top. Eurovision 2007. Excited? Us neither. Let's go…
11:12 – And to think, it could have been the sexy Russian nymphets. But, no, a Serb with a face like a boxer is the winner of Eurovision 2007. So what have we learnt? Well, at a push we'd say don't put toilet paper on trees, don't sing a song with a bus stop, don't let Father Christmas out of the house ever and never never never let a BBC One Saturday teatime audience pick the UK Eurovision entry again. Great work with the comments, kids. See you back here next year, OK?
11:11 – It was the Titanic-y panpipe bit. That's why Sebia won.
11:02 – Serbia wins. We're going to Serbia next year! Yay! It's where all the Bond villains are from! Woo! And, by the looks of things, a few tubby women with glasses and boy haircuts who can't even be bothered to wear nice clothes.
10:59 – It's Fearne Cotton. She has the exact same voice as Stacey Slater off Eastenders, has anyone else noticed that? Good work for screwing over the Irish though, chaps.
10:57 – Ooh, you bastards.
10:56 – Come on Poland, we need this…
10:54 – The Latvian judge is a happy red-faced chap. This must be past his bedtime, surely.
10:48 – 12 points from Malta? This is just confusing. That's 19 points for the UK in total now. But ask yourselves this – how many points would Brian Harvey have got us?
10:46 – Seven points for the UK! Thanks Ireland, you idiots. Now Scooch will be remembered for just being painfully mediocre instead of gloriously awful.
10:44 – Uh-oh, Bulgaria is currently fourth. We should have cleaned out our years like those angry Bulgarians said after all.
10:41 – We've just had a thought. Lordi wins and all the acts the following year are angry goths. If Serbia wins this year, will Europe roll out its tubby bespectacled lesbians?
10:38 – The Princess is with Scooch. Scooch are close to tears, even the big-faced one who does the quiz at midnight on FTN. You know what this means? Charlotte Church was right. Insult to injury, people. Insult to injury.
10:33 – Romania's two points for Latvia ensure that the UK are now the only country with zero points. Do these people not realise that we have the world's largest army of happy slappers that are ready to mobilise at a moment's notice? Those Europeans will realise they're wrong when a bunch of teenagers throw chips at them, film it on their phones and post it on YouTube. Yes they will.
10:32 – Does anybody else perversely want Scooch to end up with nil points?
10:30 – We went to Belgium last year. Nobody looked like that. She's an imposter.
10:26 – Serbia was the Adrian Mole woman. Lordy Lordy Lordi. No points for the UK still, and none for Ireland. Those nil points betting odds we offered a month ago look pretty sweet in retrospect, don't they?
10:20 – Serbia is winning. We can't even remember how that one went any more.
10:19 – Toothy Andorra woman giving votes to the Ukraine. Scooch still sitting pretty with nil points.
10:15 – Results time! Whoopy do. Montenegro first, which – we think – means all 42 entants from the final AND the semi-final have to plough through the voting process. God help us all.
10:13 – "On a scale from one to ten, how much is music worth to you?" "More."
10:11 – Hands up who else thought the woman was going to stack it off that trapeze earlier? That would have been a downer.
10:06 – What the shuddering fuck indeed, Gilbert. What the shuddering fuck.
10:03 – It's… it's… it's the interminable Eurovision intermission act. Men in bubbles, men in tutus – and Terry Wogan has promised a bike stunt. All set to an anarcho-cellist soundtrack. There's a film about killer bats on ITV4 right now, by the way.
10:01 – Voting is now over. Just in time for everyone to go "Damnit, it was the Swedish entry that deserved my vote, not the sexy Russians!"
9:57 – This liveblog has been linked to by another foreign Eurovision liveblog. This is like a weird endless chain of liveblogs or something. Maybe next year we'll liveblog the liveblogs. And someone can liveblog that. And then we'll all explode.
9:54 – So which of these crazy kids gets your vote? The toilet-papery Armenians? The Russian floozies? The top-hatted Latvians? The angry Finlanders? Scooch? No, don't be silly. Nobody is going to vote for Scooch.
9:48 – Here's the hugely dull part in the middle where we're reminded of stuff that only just happened. So here are two thoughts – 1) you commenters are playing out of your skin tonight. Funny stuff, congratulations kids. 2) We need a wee.
9:45 – FATHER CHRISTMAS?! So that's what he does on the other days of the year – he makes unconvincingly toe-curling appearances on tacky European singing contests. Get back to the factory and make us a PlayStation 3, you beardy tit.
9:42 – She wants us to fight, apparently. Forever. Sounds a bit tiring; can't we just agree to disagree? Or at least have a gunfight? They're over faster. Almost two hours into Eurovision and we'd gladly take a bullet.
9:41 – The last song! And it's Moldovan! And you can totally see her pants!
9:37 – You liked the Turkish song? Shows what we know, huh? Now, can we all join forces in completely ignoring Armenia?
9:35 – The Turkish entry, then. The most forgettable song of the night? Since it doesn't contain any transvestites, blowjob jokes or Bulgarians going "eee" we'd say so.
9:31 – Wow, so this is Bulgarian folklore… a ladygoth going "eeee" and a man drumming over a song by The Prodigy. And going "braggadaggabraggadagga" with his mouth at the same time. Well done Bulgaria. Now please stop calling us shitheads and telling us to 'clean out our years'.
9:29 – Shit, it's the Bulgarians. Everyone act nice.
9:27 – The Romanians are singing in every language they can think of in an elaborate attempt to offend as many nations with badly-judged stereotypes of their characters as they can.
9:24 – Would you like me to force my penis and testicles into your mouth, sir?
9:23 – Non UK readers… we can only apologise. For everything.
9:21 – All of Europe gets fireworks and we get saddled with two chairs and a metal detector. Where's the justice?
9:20 – If Jack Bauer carried a VHS cassette of the Ukrainian entry around with him, seasons of 24 would only last about six or seven minutes by our calculations. No bloodthirsty Islamic terrorist could stand hearing that all the way through again, surely.
9:18 – Good Christ, what the bastard bollocks is this?
9:17 – To throw some weight into the German discussion in the comments section, isn't it the seven-foot-tall lizard-men that rule the world?
9:13 – hecklerspray knows two lesbians that look identical to the Serbian entry. Two lesbians and one former housemate. And several comedy nerds from Saved By The Bell.
9:10 – Answer: no, clearly not.
9:09 – Question: would Frank Sinatra have been so popular if he sang in German?
9:08 – Did they just say their bad arses are waiting for us? Why are they bad? Don't they wipe properly?
9:05 – Finland has more mobile phones than anywhere else on Earth, apparently. That's because they're always calling The Samaritans. Incidentally, why do none of the Russian brides we've ever ordered look like these girls?
9:02 – In Latvia, wearing a top hat is government-enforced, and you get gassed if you take it off, even in your sleep. The same goes for singing woeful sub-opera songs in a language hecklerspray doesn't understand.
8:59 – CJ's here too. At least the French realise the benefit of having a bald man running around like a dick. France to win please.
8:57 – Laverty's joining in down in the comment section. That makes two hecklerspray staffers with nothing better to do. Oooh – the French song. This is quite good.
8:55 – That cartoonish princess is now outside doing a singalong to the Eurovision theme-tune. We must NEVER LET FINLAND WIN AGAIN.
8:54 – Wooooar – man-nipples. It is good after all!
8:51 – A bewildering video about a carrot-stealing bride gives way to the Swedish entry. It's jaunty alright. And… good? We can't tell any more, and it's only halfway through. Lord help us.
8:49 – The Georgian girl isn't wearing her giant frock with all the men wriggling underneath it. Now we have to – urgh – judge the song on its own merits. And no amount of goonish background sword dancing can come close to making up for that.
8:46 – Four sexy girls just did a maypole dance around Greek Bloke. Sexy. But not as sexy as if they'd managed to obstruct his mouth and/or throat.
8:45 – Yes, Greek bloke, we like Ricky Martin too. Actually, no we don't. Shut up.
8:43 -We asked for comments and we got comments! Thanks guys. Now, can anyone send us a big sack of rubies?
8:42 – We'd give anything – anything – for some spazzy dancing right now.
8:40 – Lithuania now. Last year there was a bald man doing a spazzy dance to We Are The Winners. Now – a snoozeworthy Sade rip-off with a permed man's shadow behind her.
8:38 – Hungary's singer is using a bus stop sign as a prop for her shouty song. Everyone else got fireworks. If we were Hungarian we'd sue.
8:36 – So far these incidental Eurovision videos have shown that Finland is famous for boats, knitting, ice sculptures and underage sex. Does anyone have the telephone number for Thomas Cook? Also – can someone leave a comment?
8:34 – There seems to be a 'dress up like Russell Brand' theme to this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Even the operatic Slovenian's joining in, wearing a sort of leather corsety thing. Christ knows what she's wailing about, mind you. Ballbags, we assume.
8:30 – Why, it's a pretty Macedonian in a tiny wee dress singing the word 'niner' over again. Like you're supposed to say to emergency service workers instead of 'nine' in say they get confused and think you're asking for nuns. This girl's routine seems to include being molested by the work experience boy. In a wind tunnel.
8:28 – The hosts have just resigned and let a woman dressed up as a cartoon princess do their job. Or something. We're confused.
8:24 – Terry's just given his first epilepsy warning of the night, for that Finnish Leave Me Alone song. Not for the flashing lights, you understand, but because the singer is so furious with the bloke she's singing about that you'll have a deadly fit if you even so much as make eye contact with her.
8:23 – Well that's £10 down the drain.
8:21 – No dropping yet. Shame we're not in Finland, or else we'd go and kick that bastard's tin whistle out of his hands.
8:20 – Ireland! Remember we did betting odds on whether any of this dreary lot would drop their instruments during their performance?
8:17 – It's the Vampire Princess Diana from Belarus. Singing a song that's like a wonky Toxic in a funny accent with a couple of girls velcroed to some plywood behind him. It's very dramatic, you know. For a cheesy slab of pop nonsense from Belarus, at least.
8:16 – The between-song videos are all about knitting for some reason. No wonder Finland has such a high suicide rate.
8:12 – That Bosnian girl must be sighing with relief; the bum-awful Spanish song about self-love sung by the cast of Spanish Hollyoaks has followed her, instantly rendering her forgettable nonsense into a comparative masterpiece. Shame Eurovision isn't about judging terrible 1980s choreography, otherwise Spain would have it in the bag.
8:07 – Bosnia & Herzegovina get to open Eurovision this year. A bad enough job for anyone, but doubly so when you're singing a dull ballad wearing a furry Christmas tree and surrounded by a gaggle of tai-chi tree-pixies. Bosnians, you don't stand a chance.
8:04 – It's Lordi! Singing their song that won Eurovision last year? Remember Lordi? You voted for them last year as an ironic joke and then felt a bit dirty about it for months after they won. And now it's time to introduce the Eurovision hosts – a pretty girl and bell-end in what appears to be a wig. Who'd have guessed?
8:00 – Hello Eurovision fans. Something just flashed up on screen saying 'True Fantasy.' And then there's a video of a monster walking across some snow, almost getting smooshed by a rock and then turning into a dog. That's a pretty specific fantasy, albeit one we've had several times.