In David Foster Wallace’s remarkable book Infinite Jest, the plot revolves around the search for a copy of a movie so amazingly entertaining that – upon watching it – the viewer achieves such a state of bliss that they die of sheer happiness overload.

This is not the reaction hecklerspray had upon learning that X Factor reject Chico is hot favourite to knock gap-toothed grandma Madonna from the No.1 spot this weekend.

Want to know what our reaction was? We would tell you, but the families of the sixty-three people we slaughtered in a murderous rampage may come looking for us.

Whoops.

Anyway. According to first day figures, the single It’s Chico Time (CDs) – roughly about as pleasant a listening experience as hearing a Yorkshire Terrier die screaming of bowel cancer – is outselling the latest effort from Mrs. Richie by a two-to-one radius.

So – for every culturally moribund halfwit rushing out to buy a copy of Sorry, there two more culturally moribund halfwits stumbling to the counter with a copy of novelty song by a former goat-herder in their filthy plebian hands.

Kind of like a big strain of multiplying bacteria. With disposable income.

Commenting on Chico’s success, a HMV analyst-type said:

"There’s been a growing feeling that Chico was leaving it a bit late to release a single following his X Factor success, especially as Chantelle and Celebrity Big Brother have stolen the limelight in recent months. However, this first day sales performance shows that there is still a lot of interest in his rather engaging brand of entertainment.His challenge now is to show that he’s more than just a one-trick novelty act and that he has the talent and personality to fashion a successful pop career."

Anyone living in a grimy ’suburb’ of North London in the year 2008 (and therefore reading this in the ‘archive’ section of the gigantic hecklerspray Tribute Library, built to replace Wembley Stadium in October 2006) will probably already have met Chico.

Don’t believe us? Head out to that seedy-looking kebab shop. You know, the one that you always pass on the way home, head lowered, worried that one of the simian Burberry-wearers inside may run out and beat you up for looking ‘a bit educated’?

Take a good long look through the window. See the man behind the counter? The one mumbling bitterly to himself as he wraps up bag after bag of soggy chips, occasionally stopping to weep silent tears and ramble something about once being ‘king of the charts’, before his manager comes in and docks his pay for bothering the customers?

That’s the guy.

Still. If you’re reading this, Chico… there is one way to avoid that inevitable future timeline. Maybe it’s time you went home, looked in the mirror and tried to work out what the hell your point is.

Some might say that’s what ‘time it is’.

Read More:

Chico Set To Take Madonna Top Spot – Yahoo!

[story by C J Davies]