Listen to the internet and you’ll think that animals are lovable creatures with wrinkly noses and big adorable eyes. They’re not. They’re arseholes. This is It Will Kill You.

The traditional image of a panda is that of a docile, bamboo-chewing furball with no real interest in reproduction or causing harm to its environment. How completely wrong that is. Pandas, you see, are vicious little tosspots.

When pandas attack humans – which they do – it’s not for food like if a shark attacks you, and it’s not for protection like if a snake attacks you. No, a panda will attack you because it’s just a bit pissed off. Or because it just really, really likes your jacket. Either way, set a panda free and it will kill you.