“Howay man pet, vote for my Alex she’s got a geet canny voice and she should definitely win. If you vote for her, I’ll buy you a stottie”.

The words of Alexandra Burke’s X Factor mentor Cheryl Cole, there. Even if you don’t like Alexandra, at least vote for her anyway as it’ll make Cheryl win and hopefully force Dannii Minogue off the show in some sort of girly rage.

Tomorrow is the grand finale of X Factor 2008. Who knows what we’ll get in 2009. Maybe robots will be allowed to enter the competition. Until that happens, we’ll have to contend with this year’s winner. With JLS and Eoghan Quigg already dealt with, let’s have a look at Alexandra Burke…

How Alexandra got through this far is a bit of a mystery to us. When we watch her each week, she definitely reminds us of someone. Is it Whitney Houston? Is it Mariah Carey? No, it’s – oh, what’s her name – Leona Lewis. You know, the person who won X Factor in 2006.

Go on look at the evidence. There both female, both come from London, look vaguely similar and both have the ability to go “Wooooohhhhhhhhhhwoooooooow” when singing. Do we really want Alexandra Burke to come along and release nothing but ballads, cover versions and music videos with awkward dancing?

On the flipside, if she does win, we may get to some porn out of it! The News Of The World reported that her former boyfriend may have kept a video of them doing all sorts of sexual stuff together. With a £100,000 asking fee, whatever Alexandra did on the tape must be something special. Perhaps Alexandra is able to float using her special powers or can make a sandwich at the same time. Either way, it’ll be better then Paris Hilton’s effort.

So who’ll win tomorrow, and who’ll have to pretend to congratulate the winner like they’re happy for them? Using an ingenious piece of logic, hecklerspray believes the following:

JLS should win, because a group hasn’t won this competition yet, but it depends if teenage girls aren’t too busy out on street corners getting pissed on cider and forget to phone in.

Eoghan Quigg will win if ITV continue the trend of getting annoying children to win their TV shows. See Britain’s Got Talent. Even if he doesn’t win, we predict he’ll cry at least three times on the night. Bring an umbrella if you’re in the audience.

Alexandra Burke will win if the people of the UK decide they want another Leona Lewis in their lives. Technically this might not be a bad thing, as if she wins, everyone might forget about Leona. Chance would be a fine thing.