Are you still there? Hello? Is anyone still reading this after glancing at the title? We’re sorry to disappoint you. This isn’t about Susan Boyle.

Unfortunately, she hasn’t tried to drink the blood of an Englishman or had multiple botox injections.

To depress you further, this isn’t about the winners of the 2009 final, Diversity, either. Frankly, they don’t have a decent sob story, so we’re not interested. Instead, we’re going to divert our attention to Fred Bowers, who appeared on the show. Don’t know who he is? What about when we say body-popping, breakdancing pensioner Fred Bowers?

In our eyes, Fred Bowers should have won Britain’s Got Talent. Think about it, he was one of the most diverse acts there. What did you expect him to do? Throw up his zimmer frame and catch it? Or did you simply think all pensioners are totally useless and should be all forced to live on an island together?

When Fred wandered onto the stage, no-one thought he was going to pull off some badass moves that Britain’s Got Talent fans only associate with George Sampson. The loveable pensioner proceeded to wiggle his ageing body across the stage to everyone’s amazement. Not every person of his age can do that, can they? But there are hundreds of dance crews like Diversity and mental singers like Susan Boyle who need some exposure.

In all the excitement, the newest badass on the scene forgot about a dirty little secret he had tucked away. Fred claimed for disability benefit due to an injury he suffered in the war. Annoyingly, he can’t move more than a hundred yards at a time. Though he is oddly able to shake it like a Polaroid picture when the stagelights are focussed on him.

Because he appeared on a show where roughly twelve million people watched him, a bright spark at the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) realised he might be committing fraud. They’ve subsequently pulled the plug on poor Fred’s £70 a week pension for being a bit of a cripple and this hasn’t gone down well. Fred moaned to the BBC:

“I’ve still got an actual disability and I can’t walk very far but I can still dance. I use my head and back more while I’m dancing. I’m a comedian while I am up on stage, it makes people laugh. I just want to make people happy.”

In a day and age where people get locked up for telling children to be quiet at 1am when they’re throwing bricks at your house, we feel Fred is doing nothing wrong. He is an old man who had bugger all else to do with his life and has done wonders but amaze us with his free-flowing moves.

If all old people were as interesting as Fred Bowers, we’d stop getting annoyed with them when they take forever to pick a first or second class stamp in the post office. Fred Bowers, we salute you and hope your benefit is reinstated with a few extra quid attached to it.

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