When Watchmen is released next month, it’ll be like Christmas come early for about 17 or so lonely spods.

But after Christmas always comes Boxing Day. That’s the day when you’re forced to eat leftovers and play with the toys you’re already bored with. And for Watchmen fans, Boxing Day might just come in the form of Watchmen 2 – the Watchmen sequel that’s been made up exclusively out the mind of a Hollywood executive who hasn’t read the comic books or seen the film and thinks the whole thing is about a band of part-clock mutants.

Or not, according to Zack Synder.

When a film becomes successful, people inevitably start clamouring for a sequel. It’s why everyone is talking about Batman 3, it’s why Million Dollar Baby: Zombie Boxer was released direct to DVD last year and it’s why Brad Pitt‘s next movie will be The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button 2, which is all about Brad Pitt mistakenly trying to army-crawl up his daddy’s urinary meatus.

But mention a Watchmen sequel to anyone and you’ll most likely end up getting smacked in the face. The idea of a Watchmen 2 is unthinkable for three main reasons:

1 - Watchmen is a self-contained story with an ending, and any sequel would be made without the cooperation of Alan Moore, making it – if you’re a geek – borderline sacrilegious.

2 - Given the endless petty squabbling about who actually owns the Watchmen movie, Watchmen 2 wouldn’t be released until about a fortnight after the sun expands and swallows Earth up forever.

3 - Sequels are generally only made when a film becomes successful and, since Watchmen will probably only be watched by a small handful of comicbook obsessives who will immediately hate it from the moment it begins, that’s probably not going to happen.

But, hey, that apparently hasn’t stopped some of the bigwigs at Warner Bros trying to scheme up ideas for Watchmen 2. Which admittedly isn’t difficult, because there’s just so much you can do with a naked blue determinist god-figure, isn’t there? Like, maybe he could open a bakery with hilarious consequences or something.

Anyway, Watchmen director Zack Snyder has his own ideas about Watchmen 2 storylines, but they’re all deliberately rubbish to scare Warner Bros off. At least we hope they’re deliberate; JoBlo reports:

“I was going to make a thing called Planet Rorschach. So you see this planet, and it’s covered with New York City. It’s like a planet of New York City. There’s no suburbs. There’s one giant Empire State Building, like Mount Olympus, in the middle of it. And hovering above the needle is Manhattan, blue, glowing. But the planet’s going, “Hurm, hurm, hurm, hurm, hurm, hurm.” You can’t tell, it’s this big, deafening, “Hurm.” And as you get close, you go down into the city and the whole world is populated with Rorschachs. And they’re all bumping into each other, going, “Hurm, hurm, no compromise, hurm, hurm, Armageddon.” That’s basically it.”

Actually, we were leading you on a little there – Synder’s Watchmen 2 idea was a deliberately terrible one, and he seems certain that neither he nor any of the Watchmen cast would ever take part in a sequel.

And that’s noble and everything, but he’s obviously forgetting Hollywood’s flair for dividing and conquering – give it enough time for the roles to start drying up and we can guarantee that Malin Akerman will crumble and agree to star in Watchmen 2: Silk Spectre’s Festive Funcation. Just don’t come running to us when it happens.

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