Simon Cowell isn’t American, and people only drop to their knees around him to escape the dangle of his pendulous manboobs.
However, Simon Cowell is American Idol. You know what American Idol would be without Simon Cowell? It’d be exactly the same as it already is, but without a startlingly smug man with ridiculous teeth going out of his way to offend homosexuals and the mentally ill. So basically it’d be rubbish.
But it might happen – Simon Cowell is dropping a number of hints that he’ll leave American Idol next year. But not X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent. Curses.
Based on the mad-eyed illegible yelps of the hecklerspray comments section, this season of American Idol might produce its biggest star yet in Adam Lambert, the man who apparently looks and sounds exactly like Elvis Presley, if Elvis Presley was a gay emo who had two giant metal plates scraping against each other instead of a singing voice. But despite this potential ratings winner, Simon Cowell hasn’t looked particularly at home at any point during American Idol this year.
And who can blame him? Right now Simon Cowell is in a completely unenviable situation. It’d be bad enough if all his days were just spent trapped in soulless conference centres listening to the deluded massacre The Greatest Love Of All for the billionth time in any given week, but it’s worse than that. Simon Cowell now knows that if he mocks any of these woeful auditionees there’s a fighting chance that they’ll end up committing suicide. Worse still, he has to do all this while sitting next to Paula Abdul. Our hearts bleed for Simon Cowell. We’re not exaggerating.
Not even the addition of a brand new American Idol ‘Judge’s Save’ gimmick can cheer Simon Cowell up, although that’s probably because the gimmick is so hopelessly convoluted that explaining it to a member of the public is like explaining advanced particle physics to a dollop of blancmange.
And that’s why Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. Probably. Simon told The Mirror:
“Most people do one show a year, and I do three and they involve a lot of traveling. One may have to go. I don’t know which one. That is the problem; I like all of them. I can’t imagine not doing ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and I can’t imagine not doing ‘X Factor.’ But I guess America is more likely to go because I have got one year under contract. Maybe that will be the end.”
Oh, obviously Simon Cowell wants to stay on Britain’s Got Talent – on Britain’s Got Talent he gets to look genuinely amazed when ugly women sing bad songs in a mediocre way, while on American Idol he’s only allowed to say terrible things about them until some charities start complaining.
Now obviously there’s a massive chance that Simon Cowell is just posturing in order to get a better contract renegotiation, but what if he really does plan to leave American Idol? With Paula Abdul’s recent hints about leaving American Idol too, that points to a terrifying future where Randy Jackson is the show’s head honcho.
Although, you know, that wouldn’t be so bad. It’d be cheaper, since the whole show would just revolve around a tubby bloke shouting the word ‘dog’ like a startled vicar again and again for hours at a time. And that means less time for singers. And that means the Taylor Hicks fiasco will never be repeated. OK, you sold it to us. We’re in.
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Liisi says
Happened to read this by chance and loved loved loved the style of writing. I don’t think anyone has ever described these things (e.g. Adam’s voice:D) better and in a more humorous way. I was literally laughing while reading.
Now about Simon leaving .. I truly hope he won’t do that. Although this year his flirting with Paula has become quite annoying he did make the cutest face on last night’s show when Ryan called him your highness etc. and he really IS American Idol. Also, I’m European so he’s kind of a link to American Idol for me.. plus, he keeps it on a normal understandable-to-a-fellow-European level. I just love American Idol and it would not be the same without Simon. I do think it might just be a way to get a better contract:)