Peaches and Cream Geldof is looking a likely suspect to be the latest in an unfathomably long line of celebrities who are becoming Scientologists.
The 20-year-old, um, well whatever it is she does, has been spotted hanging out, in the Hollywood Scientology Celebrity centre.
The delicious Peaches took two seconds from licking her own arm to look deep within her wallet and ponder the mysteries of the universe. (Though watching a 2000-and-late episode of South Park could achieve much the same thing.)
Ready your tin foil hats Geldof family. The ‘religion’ is as religious as your first bowel movement of the morning and it is known to spread through the air like some kind of virus. Just as Parasite Hilton made it her mission in life to spread crotch rot wherever she were to find any male with working genitalia, the Scis make it their mission to share their “truth” with all those they encounter. The Parasite seems to be having more luck with her mission in life. The numbers of new crotch rot infections are off the chiz-ain. However, there is still a heck of a lot of speculation about the ability of Scientology to recruit and keep its new members.
Ugh. Rather than rely on 80s-looking recruitment videos and promo art that has been described as “always looking like a Journey album cover”, they should make far more use of their celebrity followers.
Having noted that, it’s times like this the church suffers from not having access to more celebrities like Fish Lips Jolie and her army of Brangeloonies or Megan “hard nips/ too much decolletage on the red carpet” Fox. So long as you do not mind having the church stuffed like an impacted bowel after a curry, these are the new faces that should be scouted. The delicious TV star/ DJ/ socialite would presumably do little more than confuse US parishioners who would have no idea who the heck she was.
Being the face of celebrity fakery is enough to get you a life time extension on your 15 minutes of fame, but being a religion’s face of celebrity fakery has unknown powers that are yet to be exploited.
According to My Park Magazine:
The 20-year-old socialite – daughter of Boomtown Rats rocker Sir Bob Geldof – was seen leaving a Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood with documents about the bizarre sci-fi cult. According to the papers Peaches was holding, the centre “takes care of those who entertain, fashion and take care of the world”.
Eek. There are several blurry lines and assumptions here that one would need to iron out here, lest their head explode from the unbearable cognitive dissonance.
Firstly, when you are a celebrity, the holding of papers means that you have read them. Like, totally read and understood the whole thing. Whether it be some loo roll you scribbled on with lipstick or you are carrying the life’s work of Dostoevsky in your Hermes bag; being seen tarting something Sci about means that you are totally into the religion and about to sign that snazzy billion-year contract.
Secondly, this is a religion that is rumoured to rely heavily on bamboozling, brainwashing and mind-control techniques that derive from their leader, LRH’s, skill at hypnosis. All of these techniques presumably require a mind full of more than bonbons and carpet lint to work. The last time we cracked her head open and looked, that was all that was rattling around in there. Once Parasite and Fish lips get their doctorates and can officially start doing brain surgery, the “Church” may get a little more outta this chica.
This was a guest blog by brilliant Amy Grindhouse, who is, um, brilliant. Yes.