Now that it's semi-official that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the verge of a divorce, it's time to find out why – and apparently 'because he's Guy Ritchie' isn't a valid answer.
One theory that's currently doing the rounds is that Madonna has been getting closer and closer to New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. So close, in fact, that Rodriguez apparently made a secret late-night visit to Madonna's apartment almost immediately after his wife gave birth to their second child.
If these reports are true, then it looks like Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is done for. Still, it's not all bad. True, Guy Ritchie will be losing the love of his life and the mother of his son forever, but at least he won't have a veiny middle-aged woman hanging around all the time yattering away in the world's least convincing British accent with her vagina hanging out. Swings and roundabouts, really.
It's no secret that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna can get a little bit fractious at times. For almost the entire length of their union they've weathered claims that they're constantly on the cusp of splitting up – but what do you expect? They're both notoriously headstrong career-minded individuals – Madonna has single-handedly smashed gender barriers to become one of the most consistently famous people on earth, while Guy Ritchie is so obsessive about his work that he often won't stop slaving over a movie until it's completely unwatchable.
But this time the divorce rumours seem to be sticking, not least because Madonna has actually hired a divorce lawyer. But why? What's caused this dramatic break-up?
Was it the strain that the adoption of David Banda put on the marriage? Was it because Guy Ritchie accidentally watched a copy of Madonna's 1993 erotic thriller Body Of Evidence and realised that not even he thought Madonna was very sexy? Was it because Madonna dry-heaved constantly during the recording of that song about how good Guy Ritchie is at sex?
Or was it because Madonna's been using her tooth-gap as a kind of semi-regular holding nook for Alex Rodriguez's penis? We don't know, but that doesn't mean we can't idly speculate about it for fun.
Alex Rodriguez is famous for two things. One is playing baseball, which we hear is the most erotic overlong stoppage-filled American spectator sport around. The other is that his nickname is A-Rod, which makes him sound like an on-call plumbing service.
Having said that, Alex Rodriguez is probably about to become much more famous for his sneaky late night visits to Madonna's apartment, including one time right after his his wife had just given birth to a baby. Are they doing it? Us Weekly bravely investigates:
One source tells Us that Rodriguez, 32, visited the singer, 49, possibly as early as the night after his wife gave birth. A source tells Us, that Madonna has been hosting late-night visits… and he would sneak out "as late as midnight." Rodriguez also attended Madonna's concert at Roseland in NYC on April 30. "He was very chummy with her after her Roseland concert," a source tells Us.
While claims of an affair have been denied by Madonna's publicist, it wouldn't be an unthinkable scenario – Alex Rodriguez has previously been busted in the press for hanging out with strippers on trips away from his wife, while Madonna is married to Guy Ritchie and therefore probably desperate to have sex with someone that doesn't look like a potato for once. We'll just have to wait and see whether these claims hold any water.
Let's hope they don't, because then Madonna would have a hopeless movie career and a sportsman boyfriend – she'd just be one cacky reality TV show away from turning into Jessica Simpson. Seriously, one's enough.
SpaceTraveler says
I would hopr that A-Rod could do better than the Material Hag. “Damn”, lets face it, that old Ho was split and thoroughly reamed out by Dennis “Diseased Rodman,Bryan Williams and Sean Penn among many others. Yeesh, A-Rod should have left that Scagg Hag for Derek Jeter! Use a couple of condoms A-Rod. A couple of condoms. And two face covering bags. I warned you.
NotKidding says
I wish this woman would stop sticking her azz up my nose! She releases this stuff herself.
Mithaearon says
NotKidding do you have to pay her to do that kind of thing?
MCE says
You guys had me howling with your comments about the Material Bitch…hysterical!