Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier.
And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow‘s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.
Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.
It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are the best of friends. It’s adorable. They’re both like two little lambs frolicking together in a field. Or one whiny piss-thing lamb that looks a bit malnourished and another lamb in a horrible leotard who actually hasn’t been a lamb for about 30 years but still dresses like one. This analogy’s going nowhere, sorry.
Anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna have a freakish amount in common. They both give their kids crappy names. They both look like they live on one grain of rock-hard rice a week. They both think they can do British accents. They both do an inordinate amount of whining. They’re both a bit spiritually batshit. And both of them moved to London to be with their overrated British cultural icon husbands.
Or at least they were. Madonna, of course, divorced her cockney husband Guy Ritchie recently so that she could dedicate her life to thrusting her groin towards baseball players while crying in full view of thousands of strangers. And, since Gwyneth Paltrow is happily married to Beaker from Coldplay, at least they’re different in that sense.
For now, at least. Because it turns out that Gwyneth Paltrow has been spending an awful lot of time around mild-mannered billionaire Jeff Soffer, to the extent that she’s apparently now telling her friends that her marriage is all but over. The New York Daily News reports:
Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said… “Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”
How true any of this is, we just don’t know. But it does seem perfectly feasible that, given the choice between a billionaire or a funny-haired Bono wannabe whose greatest contribution to mankind will be bellowing the word ‘yellow’ over and over again in the style of an elk being anally brutalised with a spiked club, Gwyneth Paltrow would possibly pick the former.
So it looks like we’ll have to keep Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s marriage under tight watch for the next couple of months. A divorce wouldn’t surprise us because, as history has shown, if either Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow do something, the other is never far behind.
Well, most of the time, anyway – Gwyneth Paltrow occasionally makes films that aren’t complete monkeybum every now and again. Madonna’s never really seemed to pick up on that.
mikey says
The most wan couple ever are breaking up!? The macrobiotic restaurant-owning population of that part of London where they live sometimes when they’re not fannying about “LA” must be crying into their hot-water-passing-as-soup.
Oh well.
Perhaps, that poor kid, pomegranate or whatever it’s called, might get to eat some meat or something now?
“Let’s not talk about daddy today, and mommy will buy you a McDonalds”
Evey cloud
PAULA says
ARE YOU KIDDING?
ISN’T GWYNETH RELATED TO ELIZABETH DE VILLIERS THE NOVELIST?
bigjokk says
what a shit article.
Gilbert Wham says
I HAVE NO IDEA PAULA! IS SHE?
foxey coxey says
Stuart Heritage…damn dood you are hysterical, lol, i haven’t laughed this hard since i saw deconstructing harry or even gold member. how come i can relate to your funny but nobody can relate to mine, i keep trying tho. keep up the good work. pomegranate, im sorry that is so funny i can not stop…xoxoxo…no offense to madge and gwyneth but since i am always the one getting the shaft i can kind of get a sense of relief here…
Nidia says
This has got to be one of the worst articles I have ever read! I have never responded to anything I have read, but I could not help but share the fact that your article was disturbing in so many ways. First it was hateful and clearly shows that its more opinion than fact. Second it clearly shows you have no love for good music. Third I don’t normaly come to the defense of celebrities, but there is something to be said for keeping a sense of objectivity when reporting on people’s private life.
Janine says
Gwyneth Paltrow’s cousin Elizabeth de Villiers is a writer living in London (I think she was in France) Apparently lives in a remote village in Buckinghamshire. Locals used to see Gwyneth visiting her in a Range Rover last year.
miss fm says
I cant believe the amount of insults coming out of a person who clearly has no talent in life and is obviously and bitterly jealous of people who do! You must feel like a real hardcore rebel now after writting that article, congratulations! I could have heard the same crap by walking into a high school bitch session, grow up! Your just lame, do everyone a favour and stop polluting the internet wih your crappy articles.