As popular as Twilight was, it didn’t really fill anyone’s quotient of spooked-out kids who put the willies up everyone.
Teenagers with comically bad haircuts, yes. But Twilight just didn’t have as many freakishly intense, frighteningly composed big-eyed children who look like they crawl out and eat your thoughts at night as we expected. But that doesn’t matter, because Dakota Fanning could be in Twilight 2 and she’s exactly that.
According to reports, Dakota Fanning will play Jane in New Moon, a vampire who ‘creates illusions of pain’. We’ve seen Hide And Seek, so we know she’s great at that already.
Kids these days, eh? They grow up so damn fast. Why, just look at dear old Dakota Fanning. Time was when she was nothing more than the spooky-looking kid from War Of The Worlds whose parents were so determined to make her a megastar that they happily let her star in a child-rape movie when she was 12 years old.
But look at her now! Our little Dakota is all growed up. Why, it’ll only be a few years before she can get shitfaced on drugs and smash her car up like the creepy kid from The Sixth Sense. But in the meantime Dakota Fanning may as well slap on too much eyeliner, pretend that Paramore are a tolerable band and sign up for Twilight 2.
That’s right, following the sad news that Vanessa Hudgens won’t be in Twilight 2 because of the dearth of songs about being yourself and helping your friends, it’s been reported that Dakota Fanning – everyone’s favourite ghostly-looking childstar from 2005 – is being lined up instead. MTV reports:
New reports are claiming that star of Man on Fire and War of The Worlds, Dakota Fanning is in talks to play a vampire in Twilight sequel New Moon... The Chris Weitz sequel is scheduled to begin filming at the end of March with Fanning (14) lined up to play Volturi member Jane. In the Twilight novels, Jane is an Italian vampire whose special power is the ability to create illusions of pain.
Ah yes, Jane who creates illusions of pain. It’s easy to tell which Volturi member is which in Twilight 2 because their names all rhyme with their special power. There’s Jane who creates illusions of pain, Alec who makes things metallic, Marcus who can reanimate your carcass and Renata the dirty farter. Look it up if you don’t believe us. It’s what she’s really called. It’s all in the book.
Still, it’s brave of Dakota Fanning to take on a bit-part in a movie franchise after spending such a long time being the star of her own films. It might seem like a little detour from her ‘new Jodie Foster‘ career path to begin with, but don’t forget that Dakota Fanning is still young – she’s still got plenty of time to inspire rabid fans to blow up airports on her behalf and become a lesbian and whatnot. It all works out in the end.
And anyway, we honestly believe that Dakota Fanning will be a great addition to the Twilight 2 cast alongside the mullety beefcake and Robert Pattinson’s stupid haircut. We’re being serious – we’re really looking forward to avoiding her like the absolute titting raging bastard plague when Twilight 2 comes out.