Impending Dallas: The Movie

Dallas was an hour-long drama that ran from 1978 - 1991.  It starred Major Tony Nelson, who had somehow lost his astronaut status and his navel-less genie - but not before she made him a fabulously wealthy oil tycoon destined to one day house a bullet.

And Dallas had sleaze…oh did it have sleaze! You had attempted murders, untimely affairs and implausible resurrections. The characters became superstars, as did the actors who portrayed them - famous enough to ignore us while we shouted his name repeatedly on an aeroplane over the Atlantic. It was Patrick Duffy. Dallas is considered by many to have been the most globally popular US television export of it’s time. We’re told by an inside liar that the plot will stay true to the original, except everyone will have Star Trek teleporting technology.

Hey - at least the remake will draw one audience.

Hollywood, always up for a heavy dose of plagiarism to stave off the
writer’s block, is bringing the hit 80’s drama Dallas to the big
screen. They’ve a method to their madness - their filling the cast
brim-full of Hollywood’s biggest chumps stars. We meant stars. 

So far they’ve got John Travolta (DVDs), Luke Wilson and Shirley MacLaine entertaining the idea. Travolta would play the part of JR Ewing, Wilson would be Bobby Ewing, and MacLaine would play a more decrepit Patrick Ewing,
but with less game and a pinch of spinal curvature. hecklerspray
doesn’t remember basketball from the series, so maybe we got that last
one wrong.

The real hubbub about this whole casting mess is that Jennifer Lopez has been offered the part of Sue Ellen Ewing,
JR’s wife. All the excitement is because Jen is always considered
quite beautiful, likely due to her fine taste in beautiful wigs that
may or may-not have been made from the dingleberried tail of a
free-range Shetland.

hecklerspray, still having our entire Dallas collection on VHS,
consider ourselves to be authorities on the matter. We know every plot
twist so well, we know how the movie will play out before the
writers do. So to save you a pocket full of change come it’s release
date, we’ll fill you in now: JR gets plugged, and Patrick Duffy spends
the movie repeatedly stepping out of the shower. Plus sex, intrigue,
and a beautiful Toronto skyline where they might film "Dallas". See
that? Now you don’t have to go see it. You should use that £8.50 we just saved you to do something nice for your mom, who owes us
exactly £8.50.

Read more:

J-Lo Offered Role of Sue Ellen in ‘Dallas’ Movie - Fox 

[story by Shawn Lindseth]