Movie posters can be misleading. For example, the one for The Dark Knight led me to think that Batman would burn bat-shaped holes into the sides of buildings. The poster for Medea?s Witness Protection tricked me into believing that Medea could see inside of me, or even see through me.
However, the poster for The Expendables 2 would make an incredible movie if taken literally.
The tagline ?Back for War? is prominent, so it will be a line repeated and twisted throughout the movie, up until the part where Jean Claude Van Damme asks a downed Sylvester Stallone ?Back for war, huh?? Stallone will spit blood, laugh and reply ?No, back for gore!? and will boot Van Damme in the stomach so hard that his intestines fly out.
Sylvester Stallone is eight-stories tall and hates your friend enough to point a gun at him. He has helicopters flying around his head, probably filled with enough food to sustain his massive frame. The moon is in the background, possibly representing something meaningful, but most likely there for scale.
Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Bruce Willis stand at five-stories tall, and are attempting to settle their vendettas with The Campaign poster and the parking lot, respectively. Jason Statham has a gun so large that no picture can contain it, so we can assume that it fires bullets made of infinity. Arnold and Bruce sprout from Jason?s shoulder?s, and I predict that this will play a role in the film, in a scene where Jason Statham screams in agony while two action heroes burst from his vertebrate and cheekily reference movies they used to be in.
On the right, Dolph Lundgren is simply there for support, as men drop off lines to land on the tip of his gun. On the left, Jet Li and Chuck Norris aim at unseen foes, and from their proximity, you can guess that their relationship in the film will be kind of like Billy Crystal and Gheorghe Muresan?s friendship in My Giant, where Chuck Norris comically hugs Jet Li too hard, and Jet Li struggles to understand trust and love.
Terry Crews grits his teeth and fires rounds, even as a plane wing tears through his arm and side. It's subtle foreshadowing to the way that Crews? character will meet his end in The Expendables 2, clutching Stallone?s hand and gurgling ?Did I just?.get hit?.by a fucking plane??
Liam Hemsworth carries a gun that almost seems too big for his body, but he has to remain intimidating, seeing as how every other member of the team could easily squash him. In fact, the only person smaller than him, is a tiny Stallone firing at no one in particular in the streets. This failed attempt at cloning will probably be explained in more depth in the tie-in comic book, MechaGodzilla VS The Expendables.
Special attention must be paid to Jean Claude Van Damme, who is just below Chuck Norris. Though he's an eighth of Stallone?s size, Van Damme has no reason to worry. He's busting out of the top of a damn car, while a simultaneous, nearby explosion blasts him towards something else, most likely an enemy. Van Damme?s reaction to being pushed by a fireball, of course, is a flying side kick, which is his biological response to everything.
The only vehicle that seems to have not malfunctioned due to excessive flame, is a tank with a ram on the end of it. It hints at the 3-D that will be in the film, as a surprise. It also hints that you're about to get stabbed by a modified tank ram, so in the last two seconds you have left, marvel at how cool everything is, and brace for impalement.
Debs says
This is terrible. What happened to the funny writers?
Blake Ervin says
I’m going to take salvia before watching so that the movie will live up to Daniel’s prophecy. My only question is, did Jet Li cause those flames with that flying side kick?
Vanessa says
LOL at the Dark Knight movie posters comment! “bullets made of infinity”
Youre hilarious!!
scott says
The movie this poster describes actually sounds interesting. Especially the part where Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Bruce Willis apparently are born fully formed through some weird-ass budding situation. Poor Jason.
Laura says
What a crazy poster. But hilarious review of it! You almost make me want to see this ridiculous movie.
Jay says
Hilarious ripping apart of how epic and ridiculous this poster is. Whoever came up with this is amazing. Keep up the good works guys.
Waleed Al-Telbany says
This is not the theatrical Expendables 2 poster! This is the Comic-Con giveaway poster.
Jon says
“Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Bruce Willis stand at five-stories tall, and are attempting to settle their vendettas with The Campaign poster and the parking lot, respectively.”
dead.