If Marty McFly’s Trainers Are Real, Then What Other Fictional Products Do We Need?

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Back in ’89, Back to the Future 2 premiered on cinema screens and everyone went wild for hoverboards and his Nike Air Mag. As hoverboards aren’t likely to hit production anytime soon, Nike seem to be toying with the idea of releasing the sneakers to the world.

Wise move. You’ll get ironic buyers and people who just think they’re the bee’s knees. In fairness, self-lacing hi-tops are pretty cool.

Over the jump, you’ll see a video called ‘Marty McFly’s Closet’ which should get you retronauts all giddy for a pair of ‘Air Mags’. So what else should make the leap from fiction to reality?

Before we get going, here’s the video of a stock room filled with Nike Air Mags.

Is it going to excite you to the point where you’ll wet yourself? Do you think it’ll have the little button that clasps them shut around your horrible, stinkin’ feet?

Either way, have a look.

So what other products would we like to see? Of course, we encourage you to get in the comments and tell us what you’d like to see on the shelves.

Big Kahuna Burger

Burgers, by and large, are pretty disappointing. That’s because they’re not unhealthy enough. While people argue the toss over McDonald’s and Burger King (or Wendy’s if you’re lucky enough to live in America), it is clear that the king of burgers is the Big Kahuna Burger. Why? Because Samuel L. Jackson says so while wearing an afro. That’s all the review you need. It is obviously dripping in grease and a heart attack waiting to happen. Perfect.

Skittlebrau

If Fruli and Rekorderlig exist in this world of ours, then why not Skittlebrau? If it’s good enough for a seasoned ale-can like Homer Simpson, then it’s surely good enough for the rest of us. Why Skittles haven’t teamed up with someone to make this obviously delicious summer beverage, we’ve no idea.

The Orgasmatron

Similar to ‘the excessive machine’ in Barbarella, The Orgasmatron is a device from Woody Allen’s Sleeper. Basically, it’s a huge cylinder that you and someone else climb into and… well… you can guess what happens next. Who wouldn’t want one of these in their house?

Suicide Booth

Life is hard. Why muck about chucking yourself off a bridge into oncoming traffic? You might gently land on a traffic jam. Overdose? Seems a bit grotty. And so, Futurama’s ‘Suicide Booth’ would be perfect. Stick in 25 cents and you’re away, crossing to the other side without a care in the world. Marvellous.

Heisler Beer


While many think of Duff as the greatest fictional beer, it is in fact Heisler that takes the crown. Heisler is a fake brand of beer that’s been in TV and film for years. Heisler (available in regular and light) has starred in Malcolm in the Middle, My Name is Earl and, most notably, Denzel Washington offers Ethan Hawke a Heisler in a famous scene in Training Day. It’s the Wilhelm Scream of drinks. The company that invented the brew – ISS – also make Jekyll Island Beer, which starred in Lost.

Anything made by Acme

Acme are, without doubt, the greatest company that never existed. You will have seen them in Looney Toons and they make absolutely everything, and all of it defective. Wile E. Coyote is their biggest customer, but even Elmer Fudd once bought an Acme Wild Cat, who alas, didn’t attack the subject intended. They’ve made sinister parcel wrapping devices, rocket powered roller skates, exploding tennis balls, bat costumes and more. Acme even made the leap from cartoons to other shows, making an appearance in I Love Lucy. Wile. E even sued Acme! Click here to read his lawsuit.

So, what have we missed out? Feel free to demand fictional products in the comments.

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Comments

  1. Adam Svenson says

    Big Kahuna burger is a marvellous call! Unfortunately, it’s made me really want a burger.

    My own suggestions would be:

    Star Trek’s Replicator.

    It took me a while to realise that most of the technology we have can be found doing much the same job in Star Trek. For example, I always loved the idea of the paperless technology that they had called PADDs. iPad. Oh. Communicators? Smart phones. Transporter? Okay, that doesn’t exist but given that the entire concept was designed because they couldn’t afford to have shuttle sequences every week, I imagine I can forgive them for that.

    Aside from the fact that no-one ever goes to the toilet in Star Trek (and there doesn’t appear to be any portaloos in Ten Forward), I always wondered how they got food & drink. Oh, that’s easy. THEY CREATE IT OUT OF THIN AIR. Yes please.

    Bernard’s Watch

    It’s not a show that many remember but it was basically about this little twatty kid who went around stopping time using this hugely conspicuous pocket watch that he had acquired from somewhere or other. The number of times I’ve sat in an exam hall, staring at my £15 Casio from Argos, willing the seconds to stop ticking and wishing I too had a large, conspicuous pocket watch that could not only stop time but guarantee I got bullied for being a massive ponce as well.

    Batman’s Utility Belt

    Sure, it doesn’t seem that impressive on the face of it and the utility belt has been all but removed from Chris Nolan’s incarnation of Batman but think back to those classic films and even the wonderful and under-rated cartoon series from the early 90s. He was liable to pull anything from out of there regardless of size.

    It implies that there’s some kind of singularity in the pockets of his belt that allow him to store large items in a small space. Fuck the TARDIS, this belt’s where it’s at.

  2. Orla says

    While Skittlebrau has always been appealing, there’s plenty of Simpsons “products” that should make the shelves, for novelty alone.

    “Nuts And Gum – Together At Last”
    Homer’s Make-Up Gun
    Dr Nick’s Juicer, if only because squeezing oranges against one’s eyesocket really is becoming tiresome for us all.

    Hell, I’d even try some of Futurama’s Slurm, even knowing how it’s made.

  3. JoeMomma says

    Bi-pedal giant fighting robot: I want to ride in the head and call out my special moves while stomping over urban areas firing missiles, guns, lasers and using my giant sword to finish off the bad dude with my super move. Semi-Asian looking hotties to go with it are a bonus.

    I was going to go on with more, but this is what I really want. Make it happen damn you!

  4. SewerUrchin says

    I want to try the Skip’s Scramble from Arrested Development (everything on a menu served in some sort of egg dish).
    That and Nails Cigarettes (seen in Clerks).

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