When Justin Bieber met Kim Kardashian, it was like an irresistible force colliding with an immovable object.

Sort of. It’s a bit of a stretch to call Justin Biber ‘irresistible’. Irritating, maybe, but not irresistible. But on the other hand Kim Kardashian does have a fairly large bottom, so that probably counts as an immovable object. So, to reiterate, when Justin Bieber met Kim Kardashian, it was like an irritating object colliding with a gigantic arse. Yes, that’s better.

However, despite their recent – and, let’s face it, slightly horrifying – declaration of lust for each other, the prospect of Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian becoming an item hasn’t exactly thrilled everybody. Not least Justin Bieber’s fans, who have apparently been sending Kim Kardashian death threats about it. We can totally empathise with their feelings of betrayal – we thought we were the only ones who got sent death threats by shrieking dimwits.

You may have noticed that this week we’ve been largely concerned with the budding relationship between Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. First Bieber said that he had a crush on Kardashian, then Kardashian told the world that she had ‘Bieber fever’ and then Justin Bieber posted a picture of them both together on Twitter calling Kardashian his ‘girlfriend’. Which – let’s not beat around the bush – is a nightmarish prospect.

It is. What’s the one thing in the world that’s worse than the Kim Kardashian sex tape? That’s right, a remake of the Kim Kardashian sex tape starring Justin Bieber. Imagine it, red-faced Bieber flopping up and down on top of Kim like a disgusting sort of malnourished sealion after a taser attack, his stupid haircut flapping around in his idiot face, one hand on his Panini sticker book, the other hand trying to text Usher to ask him what to do next, his head filled with thoughts of Pokemon or Power Rangers or Tellytubbies. It must never happen. They need to be stopped.

Fortunately, that’s what Justin Bieber’s fans have set about doing, by allegedly threatening to murder Kim Kardashian in a fit of jealous rage. The New York Daily News reports:

Many of the pop star’s two million Twitter followers didn’t take the joke too kindly and began bombarded Kardashian with an overwhelming amount of heartbroken messages. “I’m getting death threats from your fans!” Kardashian, 29, wrote to the singer Tuesday night. “This is unBeliebable!!!”

Luckily Justin Bieber knows exactly how to placate his murderous army of female followers, which is why he later tweeted:

ladies calm down. @kimkardashian is a friend. a very sexy friend but a friend. no need 4 threats. Let’s all be friends and hang out often

In our opinion, these death threats against Kim Kardashian are all a little bit heavy-handed. There’s no need to get so upset – soon enough you’ll learn that the world is full of emaciated silly-haired twerps who look like demonic ventriloquist dummies and talk exclusively in text-speak. You might not have snared Justin Bieber, but don’t worry – another one will come along soon enough. And who knows, the next one might be even creepier!

Still, we have to admit that we’re impressed with Justin Bieber’s smooth way with the ladies. Honestly, we’re all going to be in trouble when he hits puberty. It’s a good job that we’ve got about a decade to prepare ourselves before that actually happens.

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