When did it become normal to turn on your television at any given moment and be confronted by a dead body? In the good old days, afternoon television was reserved for lifestyle programs and gameshows hosted by closeted homosexuals. In the current age of Abundant Cheapness and Lack of Originality, however, we are forced to endure repeat broadcasts of the most popular prime time shows. Or, as they are more commonly known; crime dramas.
Over the last decade, the four main networks have put out a seemingly ever-ending string of shows focusing on murder investigations and disappearances. CBS is a particularly bad offender. In the upcoming 2012/13 season, the network will show 12 hours of cops n guns per week.
This is somewhat confusing to me, as I assume that CBS? main demographic (old people in jogging suits) would be frightened by the high-octane thrills and graphic violence. On the other hand, maybe they deserve some excitement as they sit around, waiting for the sweet release of death.
My main issue with these shows is just how fucking same-y they are. I mean, the basic format isn't that difficult to grasp. Allow me to lay it out for you:
- Someone (usually a jogger or a dog-walker) comes across a body,
- The main characters arrive on the scene to investigate. One of them will usually close the scene with a snappy line of dialogue relating to the cause of death. For example, if the victim was a circus clown, the lead investigator would ask “Who had the last laugh?” before the credits roll.
- Our characters then begin their search by gathering evidence. In order to advance the story, they usually find something that conveniently leads them to the killer. This happens on?Bones?quite a lot: “We found a flower on the victim that only grows in one specific place.” How lucky.
- There are usually a couple of fake-outs during each investigation; where we think we know who did it, only to be proven wrong. These suspects are usually played by out of work actors who starred in ’90s teen dramas.
- In the end, the team catch the killer and justice is served. As the episode closes, a couple of the characters discuss the case; and selfishly relate it to their own lives. Sometimes we are treated to a montage of each of the characters’ inner emotions, accompanied by a terrible ballad.
There, that is how 80% of these episodes pan out. Now that I’ve told you this, will you please stop watching them?
In an effort to get the networks to cancel some of these shows, I have come up with my own idea for a series. I am not seeking any monetary gain from the use of my amazing idea, I just want crime dramas out of my life.
So, we’ve had a shitload of shows about the police, and a few about the fire department, but how about one focused on the department of sanitation??I know it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. It could be set in New York, with an eclectic group of sanitation workers. They can deal with situations like cleaning the streets after murders, and shovelling snow so people can get to work on time.
When they aren’t busy at work, they have heated discussions about political issues that perhaps cause divisions in their close-knit group. Maybe a couple of them are having affairs with each other. What if some of them want to go on strike, and that causes fractures in the group? There are so many options!
I don’t know about you, but I think this sounds better than all of these other shows combined. I still can’t think of a suitably excellent name for the show. If you can, I’ll give you an executive producer credit …