Hulk Hogan’s Son In Solitary, Not Exactly Thrilled About It

Being in jail can be a miserable experience, especially when you’re not allowed vital bonding time with the assorted rapists and murderers that count as your new flatmates.

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea isn’t getting any of that at the moment, despite being sentenced to eight months in jail for crashing his car and putting his friend in a care home forever. Sure, Nick Bollea is actually in jail at the moment, but he’s in solitary.

Because his jail can’t accommodate minors properly, Nick Bollea has to spend all day on his own in a tiny cell where his meals are passed to him through a slot in the door. It can’t be much fun for Nick Bollea to be kept alone with his thoughts, mostly because he’s only ever had one thought and that was in 1998 and, to be fair, it was more of a nonspecific gurgle than anything you could say was grounded in cognitive perception.

Cars are the Hogans downfall. Well, cars and - in Huk Hogan’s case - Andre The Giant. But mainly cars. Just recently Brooke Hogan was in a car crash, and prior to that Linda Hogan drew some controversy for appearing in a drag racing video and bragging about how she likes to drive dangerously. And then there’s Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea.

Right now Nick Bollea is serving an eight-month jail sentence for flipping his car into a tree on a wet road at speed last August in a crash that left his friend John Graziano in need of constant medical care for the rest of his life and his friend’s family ready to sue the bejesus out of the Hogans.

However, all isn’t going well. As a 17-year-old, Nick Bollea should really be kept in a low-security young offender’s institute with table tennis and waterslides and a prison guard dressed as a squirrel dishing out toffee apples and candyfloss three times a day. But he isn’t.

Nick Bollea is actually in Pinellas County Jail, a grim-looking facility full of grown-up prisoners who, if you gave them a toffee apple, would kill you in 58 different ways with it by the second verse of the Happy Squirrelly Apple Song. And, as such, Nick Bollea is being kept in solitary confinement there. According to People, he wants out:

Bollea, 17, spends 16 to 17 hours a day in a maximum security cell in a Florida jail where his food is delivered through a slot in the door. “Understandably, this situation creates an unbearable anxiety for a minor in solitary confinement,” the papers say. The confinement at Pinellas County Jail, according to his lawyers, “substantially amounts to cruel and unusual punishment for a juvenile and is not warranted for a non-violent first offender serving a probation sentence.”

Of course, it’s difficult to remember that Nick Bollea is just a juvenile - partly because the genetic misfortune of having a professional wrestler father and a mother who looks like a man has left him looking about 40 years old already, and partly because he crashed an obscenely expensive supercar into a sodding tree a year ago.

But a juvenile is what he is and, as such, his lawyers are proposing that he’s moved from solitary confinement to some kind of monitored home confinement scenario.

That’s bound to teach Nick a lesson, isn’t it? Being kept in his sprawling Florida mansion, where his every whim can be catered for, listening to his Dad have relentless noisy sex with a girl 35 years his junior every hour of the… actually, come to think of it, that’s far worse than solitary. Bleugh.