Hulk Hogan's wife must be an idiot to want to divorce him – she'll never find another old, bald, long-haired, moustachioed, blindly patriotic, sausage-armed, shirt-tearing, pretend-deaf hunk of man as good as the Hulkster as long as she lives.
But that's just the risk that Linda Marie Bollea is taking, because after 24 happy years of marriage, she getting divorced from Hulk Hogan. Not that she told Hulk Hogan this, of course – that was down to a journalist who'd heard about the divorce and phoned up Hogan to get his opinion, only to discover it was the first he'd heard about it. But now that there's been time to let the news of his divorce sink in, let's hope that Hulk Hogan can see the positives in the matter – after all, without a wife around, Hulk Hogan will have much more time to indulge in his hobbies of pumping iron accompanied by widdly-woo 1980s stadium rock and headbutting the flags of various non-American nations.
As his theme-music so often told us, Hulk Hogan is a real American who fights for the right of every man (fights for what's right, fights for your life). In retrospect, though, dear old Hulk Hogan probably should have tried a bit harder to fight for the rights of some women as well, especially the one he's married to, because then he probably wouldn't be getting divorced.
After 24 of what we're assuming were happily-married years, Hulk Hogan's wife Linda Marie Bollea has decided that she wants a divorce. How much of this has to do with their son's recent arrest for his spectacularly stupid car crash is unknown. But what is known, though, is that Hulk Hogan didn't have a bloody clue that he was being divorced until a reporter from the St Petersburg Times phoned him up to tell him. After thanking the reporter for the "great information" and hanging up, Hulk Hogan then called back a few minutes later with the following explanation:
"You caught me off guard. My wife has been in California for about three weeks. Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me. I just pulled over to the side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going here."
And for now, that's all anyone knows. Since the only emotions that Hulk Hogan is capable of are anger and monkey-faced, staggering retribution, it's hard to know how Hulk Hogan will respond to the divorce, although there's smart money on him teaming up with Dog The Bounty Hunter to start some kind of Oversized Middle-Aged Grizzled Bleach-Blond Gorilla Emotional Support Network to see each other through in their time of mutual crisis.
However, the world is full of identikit, platinum-haired, surgically reconstructed, orange-skinned trophy wives, so we're sure that Hulk Hogan will be able to quickly move on and find someone else to put up with him. Let's hope so, because Hulk Hogan is set to start hosting American Gladiators soon, and we don't really want to be subjected to the pitiful sight of Hulk Hogan, all red-eyed and drunk, fitfully running halfway up the backwards travelator thing while unsuccessfully trying to tear off his T-shirt on live TV in an ill-judged attempt to prove to his wife that he's still as much of a man as he's always been.
Oh, who are we kidding? We'd love to see that, and so would you.
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