Hayden Panettiere’s 4-point Plan To Everlasting Fame

If you said landing a commercial at 11 months, scoring a soap gig by age 5, and having pretty steady work for almost the next 18 years sounds like someone who has the wits to hang in show biz for a long time, I’d ask if you ever heard of a farcical freckled ginger with a penchant for Pepsi’s main competitor and a habit of wrecking sports cars.

“Ah, but it’s not LiLo I’m talking about,” you’d smugly reply. “I’m talking about the world’s most popular cheerleading dwarf, Hayden Panettiere!” And I’d probably spend the next 10 minutes envisioning ways I could poison your food and ensure a slow but painful death for making me look like an ass in the lede of my story.

Once I was over that, I’d snap back and try and recall this baker girl you speak of. My soap opera knowledge is essentially non-existent, since, you know, I actually have a life, and I’m pretty sure all cheerleaders are pint-sized as they are required by their squad to be kept from menstruating since it’s the first sign of getting fat.

Yes, I remember now. “Save the cheerleader, save the world.” And I’m guessing after she got saved she went into hiding because she basically fell off the face of the earth.

Panettiere has done a pretty solid job of being at least somewhat relevant through her career, which interestingly enough is her whole life, but she did manage to fall off the “it girl” radar in what seemed like one fell swoop.

She’s currently on the comeback trail with the new show Nashville, a move she said she hopes to launch a country singing career (since those transitions usually go so smoothly), but being that the show’s ratings already fell 28 percent from the premiere to the second show, perhaps our three-foot friend should have a backup plan to keep that moneymaker in the limelight.

Fame is the hardest thing to keep going for young starlets in Hollywood because, let’s face it, there’s always going to be someone hotter coming along. Panettiere needs a few aces in her sleeve to pull out just in case she ever starts to head back to the dark world of irrelevancy. (I hear it reeks like boy bands and VCRs. Gross.)

 

Transform her body

There’s really nothing cosmetically she needs to change about her. She can’t pull an Ashley Simpson and play the “I have no idea why my nose just halved in size” card to steal a few minutes of fame. There’s even less of a chance she could pull a Jessica Simpson and reach NFL defensive end proportions to gain notoriety from weight-loss (yes, that’s Jessica AFTER losing the weight… yeesh). It takes a certain kind of person to butter a Poptart and I just don’t think our little cheerleader has it in her.

Her best bet is to probably to go for the boob job. What’s that? There’s already rumors she just got some performance enhancing sweater puppies for her new gig? Awesome. This girl is great at following my direction. She executes before I have a chance to even tell her what she’s doing.

Since I know she’s listening, I’ll go on.

 

Wardrobe malfunction

A nip slip here and there can’t hurt, so long as she doesn’t overdo it and it’s not during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Welp, it can’t hurt unless she got a Tara Reid hack job, in which case she should just be happy she didn’t turn out like Kanye’s mom.

Hey, that’s what happens when you get plastic surgery in a strip mall. Strip malls are for getting your nails did and grabbing Chinese takeout. If the indigestion from the MSG doesn’t serve as a warning that you shouldn’t get your tits done next door, I don’t know what to tell you.

 

Throw up on stage

This works out particularly well given the fact Panettiere’s new singing career, at least for her character, consists of performing on stage.

It worked for the Biebs and Gaga. If she wants to be taken seriously as an artist, I think she basically has to.

 

Steal (preferably from another famous person)

Especially with her good girl image, this could have legs. People are stick of hearing about Lindsay stealing; it’s almost a given at this point. But Panettiere lifting some real stuff—not stupid jewelry or a fur coat—but maybe an original Warhol or an endangered animal? Where would she even hide it? She’s like a quarter the size of a real person. The key is for her to be a suspect but not get caught.

It’ll be like a magic trick… sorry, an illusion. She’d be way better than douchy mcdoucherson David Blaine. Screw his endurance artist bullshit. If she somehow makes it out of the house with the makings of a black market art exchange, people will be creating new Clue characters in her name. That’s better than fame, that’s immortality.

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Comments

  1. Cookie Monster says

    Truly. Hat is a terrible, terrible thing. If we only lived in a world where men without hats ruled.