You know how, like, murder and death is, like, really cool, and that the best film ever in the world (apart from Saw) was, like, that totally fuckin' awesome Hostel flick in which, like, that dude got his fucking ankle ripped open and all sorts of other, like, totally fucking incredible shit? You must remember, man – we saw it on DVD until your mum turned it off and made us go to bed with no Sainsbury's Peppered Quail Eggs?
Dude, that was hardcore.
Anyway… so I hearing, okay, that the dude who directed Hostel is, like, working on a sequel. No, seriously, man! And he was, like, saying that this sequel is gonna be, like, fifty-billion-million times more fucking gory and, like, intense than the first.
Holy shit, man – can you imagine?
This fucking genius director dude (he's called Eli Roth or something, and, like, a lot of people don't recognise him for the legend he is, man… they kind of think of him as some sorta talentless hack churning out second-rate video nasties to a group of middle-class skate-goths from Coventry) says that:
"It will have three girls who are studying in Italy and get lured to Slovakia. We have new characters and lots of new twists and turns. It will be much darker. Unlike the first one, 'Hostel: Part II' will NOT be a family film. I'm going to make something that's really more for an adult audience that isn't just to keep young kids from doing their homework after school."
Dude – you hear that? Hostel 2 is gonna be, like, so fucking sick it's unbelievable! Doesn't that sound, like, totally awesome? Maybe it'll even have, like, loads more tits in it, so we can go home, think about them and imagine what it must be like to touch a real pair!
Dude – tell you what! We'll, like, totally bunk the afternoon off double-maths at St. Pothensmyre Grammar School to go and catch this movie! It's gonna be, like, so fucking warped, man!!!!
Oh. Just don't tell my dad, though. He usually takes me to Polo practice about the same time.
[story by C J Davies]