When you look back on on 2006, you'll probably think something like "Cuh, it was rubbish when our gutter split" or "I wish I hadn't developed that ingrown toenail" but, regardless of who you are, you won't have had a weirder 2006 than Mel Gibson.
So far this year, Mel Gibson has hit the headlines for making a film so relentlessly filled with monumental violence that cinema staff have to wear crash helmets in case the more easily influenced members of the audience instinctively try to batter their skulls in with a rock on the way out and – more importantly – said something unforgivably stupid to a policeman while being arrested for drink-driving. While that'd be enough to tide most people over for a year, Mel Gibson wants more – and that's why an Australian woman has come forward claiming that she is the secret lovechild of Mel Gibson. And her own mother, presumably.
For a sheer unstoppable source of news, it's been hard to top Mel Gibson this year. He started 2006 as a Hollywood star who wanted to make a confusing epic in a language nobody speaks and a heartfelt TV show about the Holocaust. Fast forward to December and Mel Gibson is a completely different man. He's no longer the twat from Lethal Weapon; he's the twat who got drunk, went driving, got arrested, claimed he owned all of Malibu, told the male arresting officer that he was going to have sex with him, called a female officer "Sugartits" and then went on to blame the Fucking Jews for all the wars ever. With a number one movie.
Mel Gibson has been through the wringer for the Jew-slagging. He's apologised, he's gone to rehab, he's survived brickbats from Spartacus and bouquets from Courtney Love and he's unsuccessfully tried to divert attention away from himself the second a stand-up comedian started bawling the word "nigger" like a lunatic. But now that all that fuss has calmed down and Mel Gibson has scored himself a critical and commercial hit in Apocalypto, Mel can just kick back and cruise through the last fortnight of the year, right?
Wrong! It's been reported that a woman is taking legal action against Mel Gibson ordering him to take a DNA test to prove that she's his daughter. The News Of The World reports:
Painter Carmel Sloane claims the millionaire actor made her mum pregnant on a mattress in the back of his car before he was famous 30 years ago. And now her 10-year-old son Jordan bears a striking resemblance to his secret Grandad. Carmel, 29, said: "I'm not doing it for his money. I just want to meet the man I've always known was my dad — and for him to get to know his grandson… We have no choice but to go legal so that we can get to the bottom of this once and for all. A simple DNA test will sort it out."
To make matters worse, Carmel Sloane's mother Marilyn – the woman who allegedly fell pregnant by Mel Gibson – sounds like she's the invention of an especially bad country and western songwriter:
"I was a slim young woman in tight-fitting jeans on the side of the road when a station wagon stopped. Mel turned to look at me with those amazing blue eyes and I was mesmerised. He said, ‘Where are you going?' I said, ‘A long way from here.'"
Seriously, she rattles on like that for ages. We couldn't bring ourselves to show you full quote. Needless to say it ends with the same old line:
"But when it got light Mel said he had to be back at work — in an orange juice factory in Adelaide."
As yet there's been no comment on the paternity suit from Mel Gibson or any of his representatives, but we can't help wondering whether Carmel Sloane decided she wanted to be part of Mel Gibson's life when she heard that he made a film where a man's heart gets ripped out of his chest or if it was earlier, when Mel Gibson drunkenly insulted the entire Jewish faith. Either way, it's enough to make any little girl proud.
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fop says
Christ, imagine what it’d be like if you found out Mel Gibson was your Dad. And you secretly fancied him. Hypothetically, like…
Esther says
Mel Gibson has been making love to beautiful women for 35 years. So he has a few illegitimate children. Why can’t he say hello to them?