OK, if any other celebrities are pregnant, now's the time to step forward – first it was Jamie Lynn Spears and now it's Lily Allen, so who's next? Amy Winehouse? Judy Finnegan? The girl from the Confused.com advert?
Never mind, let's just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she's apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen's pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as 'the overspill nub'.
Someone had better warn the Orange prize judging panel – Lily Allen is pregnant, which means that any book she reads will be judged on a complex criteria of how much she vomited up that morning, how much her feet hurt, how many references they contain about beautiful women (this is a bad thing, because by then Lily Allen will feel like a massive unloved, attention-starved lump of extra-tired flesh and will mark them down out of spite) and how much they smell of coal (this a good thing because Lily Allen will be craving coal by then, and will eat the books, marking them up for deliciousness).
Anyway, the key part of that last paragraph was the 'Lily Allen is pregnant' bit – because Lily Allen is almost definitely a little bit pregnant. We know this because The Sun told us. According to the paper, Lily Allen has just discovered that she's fallen pregnant by one of the Chemical Brothers. Not the one that looks like an absent-minded Maltese dog, the one that looks like every other man on the planet.
Lily and this Chemical man have only been together for three months, but that isn't stopping them from acting all happy that the rest of their lives have essentially been destroyed by a scant disregard for thorough family-planning practises. A source told The Sun:
"Lily is thrilled to be pregnant and can’t wait to become a mum. She’s a real family person. Ed’s very happy. He is really looking after her. Lily could not be happier. It’s the icing on the cake for what has been an incredible 18 months for her. She is looking forward to finishing her new album early next year and releasing it before the birth of her first child."
Ah, yes. Lily Allen's second album is due out fairly soon – she had plenty of time to write it when she was banned from America – and to call it highly-anticipated would be an understatement. Once she's put the finishing touches to it, Lily Allen just has to pick a first single, and she's currently toying backwards and forwards with either Why Do I Keep Leaking Piss? or It's Gone Blue (You've Wrecked My Life You Bastard).
And there's more than just the new album to worry about – Lily Allen has also signed up to host a BBC Three TV show in the near future, and this pregnancy news has put it all in jeopardy. Damn you, Lily Allen! Damn you for getting pregnant and depriving the world of a tedious comedy chatshow dubiously based on your MySpace blog! How the world will ever survive without that, we don't know.
Anyway, let's not be hard on Lily Allen and her Chemical boyfriend. They're having a baby together, and they must be so excited. Imagine the thoughts running their heads at the moment. Will the baby be a boy? A girl? Will it grow up to be famous or important? Will it look like a stunted little Ewok or an impossibly anonymous everybaby? It's exciting, really.
Right – nobody else get pregnant today, please. We only have a finite amount of pregnancy jokes, and between Jamie Lynn Spears, Lily Allen and Johnny Depp crawling out of Helena Bonham Carter's stomach singing showtunes, we've run a bit dry.