Hollyoaks - Teenagers Being Annoying On TV Tonight

If you hate teenagers as much as hecklerspray does, then it’s probably not a very good idea to watch Hollyoaks. Whether you watch it because you love it, or down to some student irony, the fact remains. You are hooked. Hooked watching teenagers. And you hate teenagers.

At the moment, Hollyoaks revolves around a pair of
incredibly annoying teenagers at war with each other over a boy called
Justin. With half a brain, you wouldn’t fight over anybody with a name
like Justin. Come on, what is his surname? Decent? The nick of time?

Anyway, lame puns aside, the cast of Hollyoaks have worked a miracle.
They’ve got actors and actresses who actually resemble horrible little
orange faced tarty teens. They snipe, act hormonal and we despise them.
Mission accomplished. In fact, one of the actresses looks so round-headed and orange, it isn’t beyond the realms of possibility to imagine
her sitting outside an off-licence demanding a ‘tab’ from you.

Tonight’s episode of Hollyoaks (DVDs) doesn’t lose it’s unique brand of drama. Mandy - who
came and gave without taking - is worried that she’ll have no say in the
Christening of her child. The Gillian McKeith look-alike is still going
strong with the viennetta haired Tony, the Mike Baldwin of Chester.
They’ve somehow had a baby called Antonia - though it can’t be via the
usual means, as they are both so pathetic that they couldn’t possibly have
got to know each other biblically. They’d both need an hour for her to
stop trembling at him, and for him to stop flapping at her.

Away from the trials of George and Mildew, the increasingly spectacular
Cameron (’middle class hunk’ written all over him, that one) is bang in the
middle of a bizarre mental breakdown. He’s been tidying up his room… a
lot. Oh, and staring at socks. His reformed wildchild of a lady friend
wants to go to the doctor’s with him, but ends up locked in a very tidy
dorm.

This however is small fry. The mongled brains of the Hollyoaks writers have come up with a real and hardhitting tale of a twin who
got raped and is now suffering from alcohol abuse. Normally, the viewer
would have nothing but sympathy for someone who could suffer such a
dreadful ordeal, but this is Hollyoaks. It is one of the only soaps you
can watch where you actually wish awful happenings on the dismal and
infuriating characters. Apart from Max, because he’s in lurve! Just
don’t let O.B know or he may get a thump! Give us a break.

Also to feature in tonight’s episode will be the usual Keane
soundtrack, wistful looks from rainy windows, doe-eyed school teachers
worrying about, you know, stuff, and one of Hollyoaks trademarks, the curious
camera angles and cutting (h)edge ways of going from scene to scene.
The viewer shouldn’t forget that these people aren’t de rigueur. If you
don’t look like any of these people, don’t comfort eat and worry
yourself wrong ways. These ‘people’ are grown in test tubes in a huge
lab in London (or Sylvia Young’s acting school for young ruthless
idiots) and have no belly buttons. Or genitalia.

Still, we’ll be glued to the set, and thrashing around wildly in our own fury. Enjoy.

Hollyoaks is on Channel 4 every weeknight at 6.30pm

[story by Mof Gimmers]