Between the Sex book, Body Of Evidence and the background noises in Justify My Love, we all know how Madonna is in the sack.
However, very few of us have seen what Madonna is actually like during real sex – something few of us would wish to change. But now something has come along that threatens to shatter our cocoon of not knowing how Madonna has sex forever – a man is claiming he’s in possession of a Madonna sex tape.
Wait, wait – don’t freak out just yet. This alleged Madonna sex tape is supposedly between Madonna and Alex Rodriguez! There’s not a sniff of Guy Ritchie anywhere! That means, at absolute worst, the Madonna sex tape will only be appalling enough to make your eyeballs burn up and pop. You won’t actually die from watching it.
This whole love nonspecific polygon that’s apparently going on between Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez’s wife, Lenny Kravitz and anyone else who manages to blindly stagger into this sordid middle-aged flesh party is starting to take its toll on those involved.
Alex Rodriguez is getting divorced from his wife, Madonna is said to be on the brink of a physical and emotional breakdown and last week Guy Ritchie actually wrote a line of dialogue that wasn’t hackneyed or derivative at all. This madness has to stop. It has to stop before Guy Ritchie makes an entire film that sort of makes some amount of sense!
But it’s not going to stop, is it? We’re already so far in, what with Madonna brainwashing A-Rod with Kabbalah and A-Rod proclaiming Madonna to be his soulmate and all. The one thing we can console ourselves with, at least, is the fact that Alex Rodriguez and Madonna supposedly only had an affair of the heart. There wasn’t any sex going on whatsoever. Nope. No siree.
What’s that? Someone’s got their hands on a sex tape? A Madonna sex tape? A secretly-filmed Madonna sex tape that shows her grinding away on top of Alex Rodriguez like your nan on one of those beer garden bucking bronco rides? We think we speak for everyone when we say this: ugh. Digital Spy reports:
The video, which was reportedly filmed by a hidden camera, apparently features the veteran popstar sleeping with Rodriguez. A source commented: “If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. He would be prima facie guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he’d be going to jail for a few years. Even if the video existed it would probably be seized by the courts.”
Right, so let’s get this straight – the Madonna sex tape, if it exists at all, was probably filmed in a legally dubious way and will therefore probably never find its way into public. Oh.
Is that a good or a bad thing? Probably a little bit of both, we’d imagine. Although it would be reassuring to know that the Madonna sex tape was in circulation – in case we needed to spook our children out of having sex forever or induce a bout of bulimic post-meal vomiting, for instance, it’s probably best that it’s kept under lock and key.
After all, imagine strolling home from a nice dinner out and realising that some evil genius has beamed the Madonna sex tape onto the surface of the moon. That really would be quite the faux pas.
David Bryden says
Here’s the transcript:
Madonna: “Look! I can put my legs behind my ears! Even though I’m 50!”
Alex: “Please, watch me, not the camera?”
Madonna: “I’m doing the air-humping thing with my butt! Nobody does it faster than me!”
Alex: “Sure. Whatever. When you’re finished, I’m over here. On the bed.”