Hilary Duff Definitely Has Loads Of Sex, Unless She Doesn’t

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There’s a fine line between ‘morally-pure girl next door’ and ‘wizened, bad-toothed embittered old spinster’, and Hilary Duff knows that only too well.

Hilary Duff is now 21 years old – old enough to get hammered on booze, old enough to drive a tractor and, if only she wasn’t a female, old enough to vote. She’s also old enough to have sex, although she’s jiggered if she’s going to tell you if she actually does or not.

You see, Hilary Duff hasn’t admitted that she’s still a virgin. And she hasn’t admitted that she’s not. But she has claimed that she didn’t say she was. The dirty moo.

If we were Hilary Duff, we’d be playing catch-up like nobody’s business at the moment. Her old peers have long since deserted her – Lindsay Lohan to get arrested and go to rehab and end up trudging around as a sort of bored-looking domesticated would-be lesbian, and the Olsen Twins to have it off with one-balled sportsmen and own buildings where famous actors can go to die naked – and she’s been left behind a little bit.

While other turn-of-the-century childstars delight in going out without any knickers on, Hilary Duff still seems like the sort of girl who wouldn’t go out unless she was wearing 14 pairs of knickers, at least three of which must be made of impenetrable lead chainmail, and a large pair of Victorian-era bloomers.

And there’s nothing wrong with preserving your purity like that, so long as you’re still pitching yourself at a market that appreciates that kind of sentiment, like Twilight-watching tweens or staunchly religious puritans. But Hilary Duff has decided that she needs to aim squarely at the mass market with her new Best Of album, so she’s decided to sex herself up a bit.

How? Will Hilary Duff get naked in a pop video like Britney Spears? Will she release a sexually explicit book like Madonna? Will she have full sex with a man on a video like Kim Karadshian? No, not quite.

But what Hilary Duff will do is deny that she claimed she was a virgin two years ago. We know – steady yourselves, boys. According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

In a 2006 interview with Elle magazine, the former Disney star touted her squeaky-clean image, insisting she hadn’t yet had sex. But she now denies every making the claim, telling Maxim magazine: “You know what? I was quoted saying I was a virgin, but I absolutely did not say that. That’s nobody’s business but my own. Somehow it turned into a bad thing!”

Hilary Duff is right, of course – it is nobody’s business but her own. And, you know, the legions of permanently-aroused teenage Maxim readers who are all bound to wank themselves into a blistery tizzy at even the vaguest insinuation that Hilary Duff might not be a virgin. But that’s it. Just Hilary Duff and the wanking boys. And now you as well, since you just read it here, we suppose. But that’s it. It’s nobody else’s business. Probably.

So maybe we’ll never know if Hilary Duff has had sex or not. And that mystery is going to keep us absolutely rapt for at least the next ten seconds until we forget that Hilary Duff even exists again. Rapt.

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Comments

  1. The Dread Pirate Sausage! says

    Hey, don’t be so hateful. She ran a good race and I think the fact that Obama selec- Oh.

    Wait- Duff? Oh! No. Wait. Oh…nevermind. I- yeah. Nevermind.

  2. Alexander - A Hilary Duff Fan says

    I think exactly the same as Hilary on this one: it’s no one’s business but her own and everyone else should stay out of it! Leave her alone to have some privacy!

  3. truly says

    fuck offf hilary u all bitches whores are the same bitch u cant be good forever fuck urself ugly asshole whore

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