Justin Bieber?you are NOT the father! Or are you? I really don’t know. Undoubtedly due to Bieber’s fine team of publicists, this story came and went. So whatever happened? Is Bieber the father? Where is Mariah Yeater? And most importantly, does this baby have swag?
“I’m talking to you, Maria / Why you wanna do me like that? / That ain’t my baby, that ain’t my girl / Maria, why you wanna play me like that? / She ain’t my baby, she ain’t my girl.”
For you non-Beliebers, those are the incriminating lyrics to ‘Maria,’ a song on Bieber’s latest album, Believe. Why do I say the lyrics are incriminating? Well, would you write an entire song about some crazyperson who started a rumor about you? What I’m getting at is, the Biebs doth protest too much, methinks. Or something.
Fans and publicists will tell you that the paternity tests came back negative, and news headlines claimed that the suit was dropped. But if you’ll remember (unfortunately, I do), Yeater’s lawyer wasn’t present during the initial test, and he demanded a DNA do-over, claiming that a settlement was happening behind closed doors.
“We are still pursuing a DNA test and … if it’s positive, our desire for child support is still active,” said Leving. “We could refile the paternity case tomorrow if we wanted, but we are attempting to settle the case out of court.”
Shortly after, Yeater’s lawyers were rumored to have quietly bolted from the case, and some other guy conveniently came forward saying HE was the father, but this Yeater chick still insisted?Biebs was the dad.
That was all back in November. So whatever happened with it? Hell if I know. What I do know is?I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time Googling this shit, and I always hit a wall. You can’t find anything on this!
The conspiracy theorist in me is intrigued. This garnered a lot of headlines, and the public was both shocked and inquisitive. So how did it go under the radar so quickly?
A good publicist, that’s how. Ever heard about Jay-Z’s secret son? No? Good publicist. Remember that time Paris Hilton said ‘n*gger’? No? Good publicist.
Just like Paris Hilton’s subtle racism and Jay-Z’s (alleged) love child, the story of Mariah Yeater has faded into obscurity.
By April, most of the world had forgotten about the paternity drama. But then, out of nowhere, Bieber Tweeted:
“Dear mariah yeeter (sic)…we have never met…so from the heart i just wanted to say?”
And then he posted a link to a clip from Borat, wherein Sacha Baron Cohen says, “you will never get this.”
So clearly, this whole thing has not been completely buried. Something is still going on.
And granted, Mariah is probably bat shit crazy (see Figure 3), but she’s still not backing down. In June, she Tweeted:
“Knock-Knock Who’s there? Oh its my son, Devin, he wants to know when his father Justin Bieber will be playing swords with him.”
To be fair, though, it’s highly likely that this Twitter account is bullshit. Because here are some other Tweets:
“My nipples smell like a BLT”
“I like to take shits when I’m in the ocean”
and:
“I sat on Justin”s face once, I hummed never say never with my farting vagina #YOLO“
(Fun fact: Mariah Yeater’s unverified Twitter account has something like 2,700 followers, but “she” only follows one person: Shaq)
Marilyn Monroe’s death, the Kennedy assassination, and Justin Bieber’s impregnating a groupie?the world may never know the truth behind these happenings. And as Napoleon Bonaparte once said: “History is a set of lies agreed upon.”
Yes, I just quoted Napoleon in a story about Justin Bieber. Bite me.
Kristin Leigh says
Biebs submitted his DNA for a paternity test in mid-November, yes, but Mariah Yeater’s team dropped their suit and refused to give over baby Trystan’s DNA for testing. As they’d dropped the suit there was nothing else that could be done on Bieber’s side.
Victoria says
LOL I’ve done loads of googling too. The last anyone heard was that they weren’t happy with the way the test was done and would be refiling if need be. That’s how I found this! I randomly put the name ‘Mariah Yeater’ in google news search to see if any new info came up. I’m convinced that 17 years from now, when Bieber is a total has-been, there will be some obscure article realised with the grown up baby claiming Bieber is its dad and had been secretly paying child support over the years, but nothing else, and how badly its life has been affected by Biebers rejection.