Mr. Lucas, you have some balls.? It takes tauntaun-sized testicles to obsessively tinker with your films over three decades, consistently?angering your most dedicated?of fans.? But honestly, I don't give a crap about that.?
I gotta admit, when someone angrily hammers out ?Greedo shot first!? on a message board, 86% of the time my reaction is ?Greedo? Greeeeedo?. Who was Greedo again?? The black guy???? The other 14% of the time my reaction is ?Let's go find some amateur porn,? but that's more about me and my web surfing habits than anything else.
So yeah, George, you may have some Jabba-sized jewels in your Dockers, but in my opinion, you've dropped more balls than you own.? See, if you were gonna make any changes to these films, they should?ve been bold, brash, rejuvenating?something to invigorate the kids of today who think the first three films were fan-made on an old school iMac.? Here are the main changes you should?ve made to the Star Wars films, and perhaps, still can.
Put Yoda in Skinny Jeans
Any trip to the local mall will show you skinny jeans are all the rage.? The kids love em.? But you know what the kids don't love?? Raggedy old burlap robes.? It's a real buzzkill when your supposed wise, old spiritual leader dresses in a filthy potato sack.? Kids don't like sacks.? They don't even like potatoes, unless they're in fry form, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the entire library of Star Wars films contains NO FRENCH FRIES WHATSOEVER!? What were you thinking, George?? I say go back and digitally slap a pair of tight ass jeans on the little green dude and replace his walking stick with a Tupperware container of tater tots. Then, prepare for an onslaught of love from the overalls set.
Full Frontal Jar Jar
By now I'm guessing you've heard the talking behind your back about Jar Jar Binks and how everyone found that character to be an abominable tragedy of filmmaking.? There's one way you can turn that sentiment around: full frontal nudity.? Keep it tasteful, sure ? nor more than four minutes of close-up crotch shots ? but Gungan genitalia is trending hot right now.? Capitalize on that trend, George.
Fix That Whole “I am Your Father” Scene
Darth Vader revealing he's Luke Skywalker?s dad in The Empire Strikes Back may have been cool in 1980, but in the 21st century, audiences find that scene boring and devoid of authenticity.? And how does one achieve authenticity when it comes to determining paternity results? Maury Povich.? Get your ILMinions to stick Maury in the movie, maybe with some bloodthirsty Schadenfreude-obsessed Ewoks cheering the whole thing on, and watch sales go through a Rancor?s roof.? Rancor was the black guy, right?
These changes, along with getting Kid Rock to write and rap/sing lyrics for the opening theme, would go a long way towards reestablishing Star Wars as the cultural giant it was in my youth.? It's not too late to save your films, George.? May the balls be with you.
Sarah Wilkinson says
Erm, Hecklerspray?
Why are you now apparently american and suddenly crashingly unfunny?
Reading these new articles is akin to watching the reanimated corpse of your favourite puppy lurch to his feet and attempt to eat the cat’s brain.
Mangosta says
My initial excitement at the apparent revival has waned. This bears as much resemblance to the real Hecklerspray as Brian Blessed does to Wendy Craig.
I am a sad mongoose :(