Hello kids, Stu here. These last couple of weeks have been a real struggle, what with the sex-change and the falling in love with a pig and whatever other nonsense Lindseth told you I did on holiday, but I'm back again now. Yes, I know, woo.

So, just quickly, thanks to Paul, Ian and Shawn for looking after the place in my absence. They all put in some sterling work – so sterling, in fact, that I'm about to have them all rounded up and killed before they get any smart ideas about usurping me. Sorrenti first.

I bought you all presents from my trip, honestly, but they were abducted at customs. Apparently child prostitutes are illegal here. Who knew? Anyway, nice to be back. As you were, everyone…