We already know that Hell?s Kitchen 2009 will be rubbish compared to 2008.
It won't be for the lack of bigots like Jim Davidson, it will be for Lee Ryan not featuring. Regular hecklerspray readers will know that he didn't take kindly to our gentle mocking of him walking off the show.
Still he has had the last laugh over us, last we heard; Lee had three gold stars at McDonalds! This year, generally pissed off chef Marco Pierre White takes another bunch of gormless famous folk and teaches them how to make main courses made without Smash and desserts which don't involve Angel Delight.
The show generally works like this. Marco Pierre White shouts at his celebrity chefs as they accidentally microwave carrots and mash eggs for customers who?ll pay ?50 for a starter and ?20 for a beer. Over time, some of them will improve, but the majority of them will look like idiots and use this as a career boosting opportunity.
So who have the producers of the show managed to rope in this series? Have they upped the steaks* and recruited some top profile celebrities? No, don't be daft; it wouldn't be a reality show if anyone of any slight credibility showed up to poach ducks eggs on organic French pepper bread.
The cost of the ingredients probably cost more than getting people to appear. We can reveal the following people are taking part so they have something to do for a few nights from April 13th.
Linda Evans ? The star of Dynasty returns to star in a programme that will no doubt highlight any surgery in the hot kitchen environment. Your soup will quite literally be full of floaters as clumps of foundation accompany it.
Adrian Edmondson ? An actor who has starred in stuff so good that we can't remember any of it. He did something for Comic Relief once, so he can't be a complete bastard.
Anthea Turner ? The person who?ll no doubt take plenty of ‘thick stupid blonde’ comments. She presented the lottery once. Yay for her.
Mr Anthea Turner ? He's called Grant Bovey apparently. We don't know what he does. Maybe he was the last resort so the show could bill them as a wacky couple who?ll stick together like icing in the kitchen.
Ms Dynamite ? From winning a Mercury Music Prize, she has died a musical death and now has to do this to secure a paycheck. Give her a few months to appear on Celebrity Ice Carving when it gets commissioned.
Jody Latham ? Most famous for playing Lip in Shameless, he?ll probably use his experiences on the show to spike his competitors grub with MDMA and steal other people?s food if it's better than his.
Bruce Grobbelaar ? Former match fixing goalkeeper who was more amusing to watch then concentrating on an actual game of football. Expect him to make a pork scratching pie or something equally blokey.
Danielle Bux ? She's a model, so all female viewers will hate her as she makes grease stained apron look sexy. All blokes will vote for her despite her inability to peel an orange.
The show?s presenter has also been replaced. Claudia Winkleman takes over to offer comforting words to the failed hopefuls. As she seems to introduce every celebrity based show going, we hope to see her incorporate surprise challenges for the contestants from Strictly Come Dancing. For example, they can all attempt to do the foxtrot whilst serving a portion of battered prawns to a customer.
*We apologise for the bad pun.
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Shooty* says
“Adrian Edmondson
Shaina Marshak says
I arrived right here from live search soon after viewing last week’s segment of Hells Kitchen. I preferred to ascertain if other folks feel that Ramsay is trying to keep people for the sake of ratings? By way of example, Sabrina ought to have been dismissed following her ridiculous commentary in the season premiere on the 22nd of Sept, whereby she had intimated that she would destroy her very own team. Are individuals like Sabrina paid actors??