Helena Bonham Carter has been in everything Tim Burton has done lately, so it's only fair that Tim Burton should be in something belonging to Helena Bonham Carter, by which we mean the ampulla of her fallopian tubes.
In other words Helena Bonham Carter is pregnant and Tim Burton is the father. Personally we're pretty disgusted at the news of Helena Bonham Carter's pregnancy – a woman getting pregnant in a normal way for the second time with her long-term partner without even so much of an outrage about DNA testing or paternity or custody? Helena Bonham Carter, you've sorely let us down – even more so than when your 'starring role' in the last Harry Potter film turned out to be a three-second-long impersonation Amy Winehouse standing on a rusty nail.
If you've never asked a couple how they met and got the response "well, I made her dress up as a sexy monkey for a shitbrained movie remake I made six years ago" then you've never asked that question to Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter. After meeting on the set of Tim Burton's useless Planet Of The Apes movie, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have grown so close that Helena has appeared in every other film Tim has directed since – Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Big Fish and The Corpse Bride – and in return Helena Bonham Carter agreed to let Tim Burton get her pregnant. Twice now.
And, although a celebrity pregnancy isn't really a celebrity pregnancy without a sudden televised call for a paternity test or the inescapable feeling that the whole pregnancy was engineered just to keep the mother out of jail, Helena Bonham Carter seems to want to be pregnant the old-fashioned way, which is rumoured to involve a nine-month swelling and all sorts of horrific vaginal tearing. E! Online reports Helena Bonham Carter's pregnancy without concerning itself too much about the vaginal tearing bit:
The Britain-based couple, who own adjoining homes in North London and only recently knocked down the dividing wall, have been an item since 2001, when they met on the set of Burton's remake of Planet of the Apes. Their son, Billy Raymond, will be four in October. "They are very happy to be expecting their second child later this year," rep Karon Maskill said.
It's hoped that Helena Bonham Carter being pregnant won't affect the professional lives of either her or Tim Burton. For instance, Helena's role as Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter films shouldn't need to be rewritten so that Bellatrix constantly complains about her sore joints, leaky boobs and haemorrhoids, and the release of Tim Burton's Bonham Carter-starring Sweeney Todd movie should go ahead this winter without a hitch. Tim Burton must also pleased that his proposed Ripley's Believe It Or Not movie starring Jim Carrey has been cancelled, because the prospect of impending fatherhood is daunting enough without having an inhumanely wacky actor dancing around in front of you like a fucking pixie for six months.
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