The Bafta awards are Britain's version of the Oscars, except so witheringly deprived of any famous attendees that Toni Collette somehow managed to be the biggest star that turned up – not that it stopped Helen Mirren's unstoppable awards haul, though.
Last night's Bafta awards were pretty much everything that anyone expected them to be – just like in every other awards ceremony that's taken place since December Helen Mirren won Best Actress, Forest Whitaker won Best Actor, Jennifer Hudson won Best Supporting Actress, Happy Feet won Best Animated movie and Casino Royale won the Bafta for Best Sound, a category which – if it includes theme-tunes – was presumably voted for by four sensory-deprived monkeys in an upturned metal dustbin.
You Americans can keep your glitzy Oscar-night glamour and billion-dollar movie industry – we've got the Baftas, and it's all we need. The Baftas are almost identical to the Oscars, but with the blazing LA sunshine replaced with windy drizzle, the toiled-over host's script replaced by Jonathan Ross telling poorly-received jokes about the cash for honours scandal and all the famous people replaced by that woman from Casino Royale dressed up as Edward Scissorhands' emo sister. That aside, the Bafta awards are identical to the Oscars – specifically because a big handful of Bafta winners will be Oscar winners in a fortnight's time.
There probably isn't a person alive who couldn't have managed to predict at least a couple of Bafta winners last night. Just like in the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the Venice Film Awards, the Film Critics Awards and the Golden Globes – but weirdly not the People's Choice Awards, which seemed to favour Jennifer Aniston – Helen Mirren won the Bafta for Best Actress for her portrayal of The Queen in The Queen, a film so annoying ubiquitous that we've started to actively destroy any money we're given simply because we're so sick of seeing The Queen everywhere we look.
And the Bafta Best Actor category was equally as predictable – Forest Whitaker scooped the Bafta for his role as Idi Amin in The Last King Of Scotland, bringing his awards total this year to somewhere in the low trillions. The Queen and The Last King Of Scotland also managed to win Baftas for Best Film and Best British Film respectively. The Bafta for Best Director went to Paul Greengrass for harrowing real-life 9/11 movie United 93, striking a sore blow to Martin Scorsese, who must have hoped that his flick about Jack Nicholson's wooden penis had a chance.
Oh, and the winner of the Michael Balcon Award for outstanding British contribution to cinema went to Nick Daubeny. Just so you know, like.
Apart from showing the world that the British can even turn a room full of moviestars into a dour understated trudge, though, the Bafta awards this year will be most remembered for adding to Helen Mirren's deafening Oscar hype. Which is funny, because even though its won all these awards, we're still yet to meet anyone who seems remotely interested in going to see The Queen. Here's a full list of last night's Bafta winners, apart from the boring technical awards and the worthy awards that nobody cares about anyway:
Best film – The Queen
Best British film – The Last King of Scotland
Best actor in a leading role – Forest Whitaker – The Last King of Scotland
Best actress in a leading role – Helen Mirren – The Queen
Best actor in a supporting role – Alan Arkin – Little Miss Sunshine
Best actress in a supporting role – Jennifer Hudson – Dreamgirls
Original screenplay – Michael Arndt – Little Miss Sunshine
Adapted screenplay – Peter Morgan/Jeremy Brock – The Last King Of Scotland
The David Lean Award for achievement in direction – Paul Greengrass – United 93
Animated feature film – Happy Feet
Orange rising star award – Eva Green