Heidi Montag is as hard as nails. She is. True, she might look like a scrawny, pointless waste of skin, but she’s hard.

How hard is Heidi Montag? Hard enough to appear on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Hard enough to leave after a few days because it was too difficult. Hard enough to return again almost immediately because she couldn’t stand being out of the limelight for even a millisecond.

Hard enough to wind up going to hospital because she didn’t like being made to only eating beans for a day. Again, Heidi Montag is hardore.

You don’t get to be where Heidi Montag is today without having a bit of grit in your testicles. Pretty much everything that Heidi Montag has ever done in her entire life would push the physical and emotional boundaries of most human beings.

Don’t believe us? We’ll explain. Heidi Montag isn’t just a castmember on an MTV reality show about braying, obnoxious overprivileged nimrods who wouldn’t know a day’s work if it crapped on their chest – she’s managed to become the most braying, obnoxious, overprivileged nimrod on the entire show. She’s embarked on a pop career that consists mainly of her yelping atonally over a series of nightmarish thuds and squeaks. She’s married a man who literally looks like the only Bigfoot in the world that you’d happily agree to have fistfight with.

Could you do any of that? No, no you couldn’t. Heidi Montag is like the Bear Grylls of being a hopeless wanker who nobody has ever really loved.

And to prove it, Heidi Montag and her awful husband Spencer Pratt have been appearing on the American version of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Well, we say ‘appearing’. She was on it for a couple of days, and then she left. And then, in a way that wasn’t at all premeditated in a dumbly calculated effort to boost her stupid notoriety, she came back.

To punish them for their flightiness, the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here producers decided to keep Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in a dark-ish room for 24 hours with only beans, rice and water to live on. And now it’s all ended in tears, because Heidi Montag has been hospitalised for it. MTV reports:

TMZ reported that Heidi was rushed to the hospital after “convulsively throwing up” and was “diagnosed with a gastric ulcer.” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie Pratt, took to Twitter to comment, “I’m really saddened to hear that NBC felt it was OK to… torture them as if they were criminals… Heidi was rushed to the hospital and has an IV in her arm after being locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water. Pray she will be OK.”

While we’d like to believe Stephanie Pratt’s account that Heidi Montag’s treatment was so harsh that it literally defied the Geneva convention – because, you know, it’s what we’d do – we’re more inclined to believe the official line that Heidi Montag was given the minimum daily dietary allowance as ruled to be safe by professional nutritionists.

And if that’s the case, no wonder Heidi ended up convulsively vomiting in hospital – by the look of her, a cup of rice and a handful of beans is about eight times more than she’s ever been made to eat in an entire day. Thank goodness nobody tried to make her eat a kangaroo anus. If there’s one thing that’s true about kangaroo anuses, it’s that they stick to your hips like nobody’s business, and nobody likes a fat bitch, do they?

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