Even if you were born with eight eyes, six arms or ginger hair, your parents are meant to love and care for you.
Being the most socially retarded and awkward person in the world might cause mummy and daddy to shy away from you, but at the end of the day they’ll never be able to forget about you. Kind of like that tattoo you drunkenly got at 3am because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Heidi Montag hasn’t yet been the subject of a Bodyshock documentary. She doesn’t have taps for fingers or anything like that. Instead, Heidi let MTV film her over a number of years in terribly scripted reality show The Hills. With that series spinning off into other terrible programmes, she had to stand out from the crowd. What better way to do that then remould herself with melted plastic? Shame her mother thought she looked like a weirdo following the surgery, though.
To the majority of normal people, Heidi Montag was already the sort of person you’d never want to spend any time with. After all, she moved to LA from Colorado and, as a result, it means that every time she speaks all the words become emphasised and blur into one audiowave that you can’t avoid. If the American government wanted to introduce a form of mental torture, all they need to do is get her to interrogate terrorists.
If it wasn’t enough to now have a permanently plastic body that may melt if the sun gets too hot, her other half isn’t much better. Some people’s names just suit them down to the ground. Spencer Pratt, for example couldn’t have been christened with a more apt name. Though if his last name had been Gormless Twerp Who Doesn’t Know What He’s Doing then it would have been the icing on the cake.
Some parents have to face facts that their precious offspring aren’t happy with the way they look. Often the results of having an ugly father or a hag for a mother, it goes along way for explaining why people want to straighten their teeth and iron out the multiple bends in their nose. But to have ten operations like Heidi Montag did recently? To the casual onlooker, that might seem a bit excessive.
Of course we have to remember one key thing. Heidi lives in America, where image is everything and if your hair isn’t perfectly straight you’ll have to appear on Big Brother to forge a career. Over a lifetime, you may expect many famous people to go under the knife and keep their appearance. But not Heidi Montag. At the tender age of 23, she’s had upwards of ten operations. And to make everything weirder, most of these took place all in one day.
But the various butchery that had been done on her daughter didn’t fill Heidi Montag’s mother with glee. Instead, she said what we were all thinking. Heidi told Digital Spy:
“I was nervous, but also excited. I never thought in my wildest dreams she was going to react the way she did. She was looking at me almost like a zoo animal. It wasn’t like I was her daughter anymore. She was looking at me like I was a circus freak.”
A circus freak. We sense a whole lot of love going on in the Montag family. But hey, maybe the two will work together and get Heidi to work on the national American freakshow circuit. Alongside her div of a partner, they can show the money-paying public all sorts of mildly amusing tricks that they have come up with.
Or, Heidi can staple some balls to her tits. That’d work too.
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