Just when we thought that 2012 was getting off to a rocking start, what with us discovering there was one less Kardashian in the world and all, Heidi Klum and Seal have to shit on our parade by announcing they are getting a divorce.
The golden couple, who must have Hitler spinning in his grave, are filing for divorce after six years of marriage, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’.
Heidi Klum is a human contradiction – by all rights, she should be a mega bitch, but no-one seems to have passed on the memo that if you’re a towering German supermodel worth over ?20million, you’re TOTALLY within your rights to act like the biggest douche in the world.
Each year she totally owns Halloween by bypassing the slut/lingerie rule, her wedding included an Elvis impersonator and she’s near-naked in the press with delightful regularity.
The only way she could be more perfect would be if she had beer-flavoured nipples.
Seal had the right idea by keeping her pregnant for practically their whole marriage. Hell, if she was our wife she’d be branded and enjoying the view from our sex dungeon.
Seal, know how everyone says there’s plenty more fish in the sea?
This would be like throwing back a mermaid, then coming home with a bag of Iceland frozen prawns. Seriously, do whatever you have to do to keep hold of her.
If you need an angry mob with pitchforks, we can help you out buddy.