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Say hello to The Music Fascist. He hates your favourite band. Smile politely and slowly leave the room until he’s finished.

Finnish goth rockers Him have announced rescheduled UK dates. Christ, I can’t believe I’ve just referred to a genuine band who actually sell records as ‘Finnish goth rockers’. It’s our fault really - for twenty years the number of non-laughable European rock bands produced numbered about two - I can actually only think of one, but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. A few decent ones drip through so we all dropped our defences and now look what’s happened. In fact, I received this memo from the Finnish Embassy yesterday: “We are proud to announce that due to the combined record sales of The Rasmus and Him, goths are now Finland’s biggest export.” Hear that? They’re proud! They’re mocking you. I call for immediate war with Finland.

He’s not done yet. More angry ravings directed at The Polyphonic Spree, The Subways, Jack Johnson, Green Day and Pete Doherty after the jump…

Strychnine-in-the-Kool-Aid types Polyphonic Spree (CDs) have announced the
release of their new album The Fragile Army. If you don’t catch the
Spree on the tour that will inevitably follow its release, feel free to
experience the ‘they’re having more fun than you’ atmosphere by taking
some downers, going to your nearest happy clappy church and standing up
while a motivational speaker repeatedly shouts positive nothingisms in
your ear. Gormless grinning bastards.

The Subways (CDs) - not even an appearance on The O.C can help these hapless
idiots. It’s bad enough being a one-hit wonder. Imagine being a
one-indie-hit wonder where your one song is well-known but doesn’t
actually sell that many copies in the first place. And did you hear Rock N’Roll Queen? No? You lucky, lucky fuckers.

Jack Johnson (CDs) is currently touring this fine isle. Are there any words
more terrifying to a music lover than “surfer turned
singer-songwriter”? OK, well maybe it’s not as bad as “featuring
Texas,” but it’s pretty bastard close.

Now some of you may already know how I feel about awards ceremonies,
but the Brits has always been a favourite in the sense that I’m a cynic
(I appreciate that this may surprise some of you), and that they’ve
have always been irredeemably terrible. In fact the only things more
reliably shit than the Brits are pissing blood and Green Day (CDs). Which
brings me rather succinctly to my next point - Green Day won best
international album. For an album that was released in September 2004.
How does that work, you ask? Well, the release period for the Brits is
sixteen months. However, the reason for that is to allow ‘sleeper’
albums to qualify - ie low-key releases that build up support gradually.
Even by the Brit’s hopelessly corrupt standards, you have admire how
quickly they’ve bent that rule on this one - American Idiot reached
number one in its first week in the States, whilst the single of the
same name was also number one here around the same time - not strictly
speaking a sleeper hit. So therefore that Green Day’s American Idiot
(“they’re back, they’re still as bad as ever but this time they didn’t
turn the TV off when the news came on”) becomes perfectly eligible to
win for two years on the trot.

And finally - good old Pete Doherty (CDs). Now I’m not going to pick on Pete
for the usual reasons - there’s quite enough of that already. To be
honest I’ve got nothing against rock stars doing heroin, but the poor
guy is just so rubbish at it. Surely one of the plus sides of being a
junkie and being a rock star is that you don’t get arrested all the
time, and that we don’t see the ugly burgling-your-mate’s-house and
stealing cars side of heroin addiction. After all, that’s why God
invented the Scottish.

The Music Fascist lives at Badvibes

[story by The Music Fascist]