You know, we do have a social conscience here at hecklerspray.

We live on the same planet you do, after all. Which is why – in between scouring the cultural landscape from within our M83-soundtracked cocoons – we occasionally feel the need to provide you with handy hints for coping in the modern world.

There’s been a lot of fuss over Bird Flu recently, and exactly how long we British Islanders have got before it hits our shores. In a brave display of public service, then, we’ve gone and collaborated our Top Tips for dealing with Bird Flu…

- Bird Flu can be a difficult topic to discuss with youngsters. Calmly sit your child down and explain to them that – if they want to live – they must never go outside again. Ever.

- Try to avoid the inevitable rush to the afterlife by sealing yourself in a coffin whenever you have a free moment.

- Try to avoid breathing.

- The elderly and disabled will be particularly vulnerable should there be an outbreak of Bird Flu. Best just to ignore them and look after yourself.

- Try to form a diverse band of wanderers as you roam the post-apocalyptic landscape, much like in Stephen King‘s The Stand.

- Stock up on plenty of medicines, such as Codine, Penicillin and Beechams’ new brand of Ultra-fucking-incredibly-strong Lemsip.

- Should a close friend or relative die during the outbreak, correct procedure is to throw your arms to the heavens and shout "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

- Killing next door’s yapping little dog may not help to cure Bird Flu, but it will certainly make you feel a lot better.

- Firing a shotgun into the air is an ideal tactic for scaring Bird Flu away.

- Should humanity fall prey to this virus, it is likely that there will not be a sequel to Paul Walker‘s Running Scared. It is best to deal with this now.

- Should you die of Bird Flu, try to become an amusing friendly ghost such as Casper rather than one of those nasty throwy-shouty poltergeists.

- Wrap up warm.

Hope those tips help. And remember – it’s in no way guaranteed that Bird Flu will sweep the land, annihilating everything in its path. Only incredibly, incredibly likely.

Cheerio for now!

Read more:

EU Tries To Prevent The Spread Of Bird Flu – IOL 

[story by C J Davies]