Aquarius January 21st – February 19th
Cheap drugs not cutting it anymore? Still yearning for something more? Can’t quite squash that little voice inside that says ‘everything is shit’? Well, although it’s true that everything is indeed shit, find pleasure in small things, read more, do things you wouldn’t normally do. Be alive. If not, do yourself in now. Shotgun owners will tell you that you’ll need to pull the trigger with your big toe if you’re blowing your brains out.
Not an Aquarius? You need to look after the jump for all the other horoscope signs…
Pisces February 20th – March 20th
Ah, coming down after a crazy wacky birthday! You’ve drank shots! Wow!
You wore something new when you went out! You were left feeling empty
by either kidding yourself that you’re special, or empty from throwing
up cheap booze. Read this again in a years time, and deja-vu will enter
you sad predictable world. Sort it out, you’re making the planets feel
ill.
Aries March 21st – April 20th
Bill Cosby may have molested a few ladies in his time (allegedly), but
that doesn’t mean you can do the same. Copy his dance moves by all
means, but don’t slip stuff into people’s drinks. It isn’t on. The
cosmos advises that you look to Theo Huxtable for inspiration.
Taurus April 21st – May 21st
I’ve pleaded with the stars. I really have. Apparently, this week, you
don’t deserve a horoscope. Check if you like. Russel Grant has drawn a
blank this week too.
Gemini May 22nd – June 21st
Getting ready for that all important date this week? Well, with Saturn
in your tropics, you need to remember to rub the message from your hand
that says ‘Remember – buy condoms’. If your date see that, they’ll run
like fuck.
Cancer June 21st – July 23rd
Luck is something that has deserted you isn’t it? You’re blessed with
Kris Acabusi‘s laugh, and you look like you’ve been ramraiding on a
BMX. You sing like a flaming goose, and walk like a shinless ape. The
universe confirms this.
Leo July 24th – Aug 23rd
With Leo Sayer flirting with chart success again, you should take it as
a sign. If you are willing to jump on any bandwagon, regardless of your
morals, then you be free from all those idiotic women in your office
calling you names every time you go to the vending machine. Remember,
drink lots of water at work, because going to the toilet is a perfect
excuse for a skive.
Virgo August 24th – September 23rd
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. We’re not talking about
those cartoons, hell no, but your underwear. They aren’t so much skid
marks, but wheel spins. Little bear reckons you should be able to wipe
up after yourself by now. If not, wear a nappy.
Libra September 24th – October 23rd
Do you see life as a glass that is half full or half empty? The hanging
globes in the milky way reckon that your future is non of these. That
in fact, you have smashed your glass and begun to eat the jagged shards
already. Chin up.
Scorpio October 24th – November 22nd
"It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes" sang Simon
Weston. The words will ring in your ears when, embarrassed at the
mistakes you’ve made (be it at work, or with a loved one) you flush and
burn at the cheeks. The planets imply that you should dispel any notion
of embarrassment by having a laissez-faire attitude to life, walking
around naked from the waist down and proclaiming "I simply couldn’t
give a fuck what other people think". Be happy with yourself, and don’t
let the bastards grind you down.
Sagittarius November 23rd – December 21st
With the sun low in the sky and the days getting longer, you’ll be glad
to know that this terrible cold weather will slowly turn into rain.
What to do? I didn’t invent the rainy day, but I have the best
umbrella. So? Buy an umbrella. Moron.
Capricorn December 22nd – January 20th
It is about time that you stood up for yourself really. You can’t go
through life thinking things will get better. You should take a chance.
Make your own luck. If you don’t, it will be a life unfulfilled, you’ll
die (we all do) and think up witty come backs a week too late. Stand up
and be counted.
[story by Mof Gimmers]
