Cancer June 21st – July 23rd
You know how you bought that chainsaw to slay the rest of your village? (Bear with us, it’s a euphemism). Well, it’s more advisable to saw your own leg off and beat the postman to death with it. That way, your planets will realign in perfect harmony, side by side on the piano, keyboard.

Not a Cancer? Worried what the stars will order you to do this week? More horoscopes after the jump…

Leo July 24th – Aug 23rd
On Friday morning you’ll be awoken from a dream. The dream will involve
you stood by the sea. The water will speak to you. “Come. Come into me,
and I will sing you to sleep on the sea bed.” You will inevitably drown
and die. This signifies yet more futile attempts to be happy and
fulfilled.

Virgo August 24th – September 23rd
A sign reading ‘Person Wanted for Shitty Admin Job’ will appear in the
newspaper for you. You will take the job, and naturally, the small
increase in pay won’t make you any happier as it’s as shit as every
other job you’ve ever had. Jupiter says it’s time to burn your gym
membership and other futile endeavours, do some soul searching and
rekindle your love affair with life. 

Libra September 24th – October 23rd
Christ. We don’t know how to break this to you. Erm… the planets hate
you so much that they don’t want to talk to us about you Libras. In
which case, we’ll say, cheer up, we’re sure your life is great, and not
really affected by huge bulbous planets.

Scorpio October 24th – November 22nd
Your life is a constant paradox. You look in your wardrobe and see an
AC/DC T-shirt, a Motorhead Tee, and a Ramones one. However, you’ve
never even heard a tune by any of the above. This links to the very
fact you smile a lot, but inside, you cry even more. Oh, erm, Saturn
told us this by being baked in a cosmic microwave.

Sagittarius November 23rd – December 21st
The host flashes on the sun signify that Sagittarians shine too
brightly to ever last for very long. Neil Young said "it’s better to
burn out than to fade away." However, like the Canadian singer, you
haven’t taken your own advice, and are still sat around get under
people’s feet and mildly annoying them. Learn the best way to end it
all by calling our star-line 08970 K-I-L-U-R-S-E-L-F

Capricorn December 22nd – January 20th
With Mercury closing in on your sign, you’ll find yourself getting
hotter with rage as you get patronised time and time again. How many
times will you buy a chicken wrap that contains no meat and a huge knot
of dough and other stuff which you didn’t pay for. How many times will
you feel the wrath of being swindled every time you buy anything
anywhere?

Aquarius January 21st – February 19th
Speaking to a witch doctor the other day, he informed us it’s a good
time to be an Aquarian by virtue of the fact you lucky lot can dance
the night away to The Age of Aquarius by the 5th Dimension. That’s it
really. You lucky devils you.

Pisces February 20th – March 20th
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. That’s what someone said
once when they’d been studying the planets. It’s good advice isn’t it?
Surely that’s what you’re really after. If not, you’re ungrateful and
selfish. Be off with you.

Aries March 21st – April 20th
With the Great Plough signifying an eclipse of your self worth, you’ll
find yourself sat in silence in a meeting in your office. Quietly smug
that you are officially skiving, but strangely, wishing that the world
would end somehow. Remember, Proactive is not a real word. It is
exactly the same as ‘active’. Get a grip, and don’t be duped by middle
management jargon. Keep in mind, they’re all cunts.

Taurus April 21st – May 21st
Ah. Taurus. The trustworthy sign. Good old reliable bullock you. For
years, you have been the shoulder that people have leaned on. You have
been there for everyone else, and now, with the Mongolian year of the
Crayfish in full swing, it is time for you to stop, and take care of
yourself for a while. So spoil yourself! Get the heroine out, get
wasted, and dribble at the TV until your eyes melt!

Gemini May 22nd – June 21st
With Neptune, the vain planet, rubbing up and down your leg, you’ll
find yourself obsessed with losing weight this week. One quick way is
getting a lobotomy. Another is chopping your arms off. Either way,
you’ll end up officially disabled, and you won’t have to go to
steenkin’ work no’mo’. Ace.

[story by Mof Gimmers]