Taurus April 21st – May 21st
Remember the guy with one moccasin, a tie and a belt of lethal bullets? Well, your paths will again cross, o’er a babbling brook. You’ll catch his eye, and he’ll catch a falling star. Only to stuff it up his arse and call you ‘idiot’. This means good fortune awaits beneath the hood of a brown Austin Montenegro.

Not a Taurus? Don’t cry – more horoscopes after the jump…

Gemini May 22nd – June 21st
Ah. Your twin personality really comes through this week. One side of
you will be a success in the workplace and be rewarded with that
pay-rise that has always been promised to you. You will be noticed by
friends (or maybe someone you’ve have a crush on for a while) for your
charm and wit. This is because Saturn is in your sign. However, an old
forgotten corpse of an astronaut is also passing through which means
you’ll still be wracked with self doubts about your fluctuating weight.
Lip up fatty!

Cancer June 21st – July 23rd
What a week you’re in for! It’ll be treats galore as Penkwith Von
Treeg-ha-ha will be entering your chart tonight. Penkwith is the meteor
of wealth, which could mean a cash prize from mid-day money, or a
wealth of spiritual being. No matter, you’ll suppress it all with cheap
wine and crisps. You’ll be crying and throwing up in no time at all.
You pig.

Leo July 24th – Aug 23rd
If you are still staring blankly out of car windows, waiting for the
child you never had to appear at the school gates, don’t fret. You can
call our advice line (£2 per second) and be told of a secret love
waiting in the red light district. The number to call is 0890
–SEX-ME-UP-B4-I-CRY

Virgo August 24th – September 23rd
A look into the night sky on a clear eve should show you that Orion’s
belt is a bit tight. This signifies that you have been watching Gillian
McKeith, and eating cakes, chips and mars bars at the same time. The
planets tell me that you should heed the advice before you pop, or
worse still, get diabetes and go blind.

Libra September 24th – October 23rd
You’re a regular little diva aren’t you? Whether it’s singing in the
mirror with you hairbrush, or rock and rolling with a tennis racket,
Pluto’s depression confirms that you haven’t chased your dream. Well?
You should have. Why? You’re boss is taking the piss out of you. Take a
chance, and stop chasing your tail. It’s the stars or the doldrums for
you, kid!

Scorpio October 24th – November 22nd
This is a dreadful week for Scorpions. The sting in the tail will flick
up your own arse and paralyse your spine. You will lie on your couch
with your hands down your pants, foaming at the nose lying in wait for
a glimpse of Debbie King on Quizmania. The planets spell the words
‘BILLY SAUSAGE’ above your head. No-one has a fucking clue what it
means.

Sagittarius November 23rd – December 21st
Tired of taking your foot out of your mouth all the time? With a space wind racing from above, now is a good time to dash some of your magic juices down your leg. A second copy of Vienna on single signifies that your best years are behind you, and that morose records can only partially fill the vast empty space in your soul. Call the pizza shop on the corner for more advice.

Capricorn December 22nd – January 20th
Jupiter, the most observant of the planets tells you to wipe that bogey off the end of your nose. Everyone’s been looking at it all day, but haven’t got the heart to tell you about it. Thursday brings much of the same.

Aquarius January 21st – February 19th
That’s it. The party is over for you. Back to being yet another anonymous cunt at someone else’s birthday party. Why not make yourself the centre of attention by chucking eggs at anyone you see with a smile on their face? Sounds crazy? The planets told you to do it…

Pisces February 20th – March 20th
Pisces are great swimmers. Like Duncan Goodhew and trout. Sadly for you, Piscean’s aren’t great at riding horses. So when an opportunity arises to have a go on an ass, avoid, or you’ll be in the shithouse. Saturday brings sexual frustrations and a kebab in a drain.

Aries March 21st – April 20th

The cosmos isn’t really your friend. It really gets on with its own
thing, and ignores you. That’s not to say its’ action don’t effect you.
They do. In this case, a bird shit on your shoulder signals the end of
time. Don’t mistake Celebrity Fat Club for Celebrity Fatwa.

[story by Mof Gimmers]